On Monday morning, People published a 176-word story about country singer Blake Shelton’s birthday party that is anywhere from 168 to 176 words too long, depending on how you feel about Blake Shelton. Its lede reads:
“What kind of ice cream goes best with armadillo? Thanks to his girlfriend, Blake Shelton probably knows the answer.”
If, for some reason, you are looking for an answer to that question, you’ll have to go somewhere else, because this story refuses to provide one. What it does provide, however, is a photo of Gwen Stefani staring into the camera while doing something with her mouth that would be described as kissing if she seemed remotely interested in the second party pictured, a photo of an armadillo-shaped cake that proves why you rarely see armadillo-shaped cakes, an auto-playing piece of sponsored content called “Coinage,” one instance of the word “flaunt,” and a looping 4-second Instagram video of Shelton wearing a hat made of tiny gift boxes and balloons which provides an eerie soundtrack to the entire experience.
“My hat,” Shelton grumbles in the video. In the background, a high-pitched voice exclaims, “Yeah!” Four seconds later I hear, “My hat” again. Then, “Yeah!” Then I hear them both again. And again and again. (I can’t bring myself to close the tab.)
No one needs any of this. Especially not on a Monday morning.
A story in E! News about how Brad Pitt spent Father’s Day, a topic I would typically care very little about, is notable for its use of the word “several.” They write:
Several of the children spent several hours at Pitt’s house in Los Angeles Saturday morning. They were seen being dropped off in a Suburban.
Now before you say But maybe not all the kids were in town! please note that in the following paragraph, it is revealed that “all six kids” left for the airport with their mother later that day.
Do with that information what you will.
I don’t want to get too dark on a Monday morning but I have a feeling this dog isn’t going to make it very long.
- Amber Rose “literally has no time for penis.” [Us Weekly]
- WIll someone PLEASE get Camila Cabello a new mic?! [ONTD]
- There is NOTHING interesting in Vanessa Williams’s bag. [Us Weekly]
- Jonah Hill looks different again. [Us Weekly]
- Rob Schneider blocked Seth Rogen on Twitter but then he unblocked him so I guess they’re fine? [Dlisted]
- A new Katherine Heigl blog post is a cause for celebration. Today she has tips for dealing with your hair after a day of swimming. Thrilling stuff! [THD]