This Story About Blake Shelton's 41st Birthday Party Will Make Your Monday Morning Even Worse

On Monday morning, People published a 176-word story about country singer Blake Shelton’s birthday party that is anywhere from 168 to 176 words too long, depending on how you feel about Blake Shelton. Its lede reads:

“What kind of ice cream goes best with armadillo? Thanks to his girlfriend, Blake Shelton probably knows the answer.”

If, for some reason, you are looking for an answer to that question, you’ll have to go somewhere else, because this story refuses to provide one. What it does provide, however, is a photo of Gwen Stefani staring into the camera while doing something with her mouth that would be described as kissing if she seemed remotely interested in the second party pictured, a photo of an armadillo-shaped cake that proves why you rarely see armadillo-shaped cakes, an auto-playing piece of sponsored content called “Coinage,” one instance of the word “flaunt,” and a looping 4-second Instagram video of Shelton wearing a hat made of tiny gift boxes and balloons which provides an eerie soundtrack to the entire experience.

“My hat,” Shelton grumbles in the video. In the background, a high-pitched voice exclaims, “Yeah!” Four seconds later I hear, “My hat” again. Then, “Yeah!” Then I hear them both again. And again and again. (I can’t bring myself to close the tab.)

No one needs any of this. Especially not on a Monday morning.