The greatest and saddest moment in the history of (2015) television is about to happen: the two-hour season finale of Empire. There will be guest appearances (Rita Ora, Snoop Dogg, etc.). And someone is expected to die. Could be you.

Empire's first season has been a roller-coaster of camp. I'm already pregnant with emotion thinking about it ending. I'll miss everyone, but especially Cookie. In honor of my new TV mother, I'm wearing not one, but TWO furs in the crib, on my couch with my cat Jewel, whose fur is intrinsic. For the first hour: my $30 dark brown thrift shop faux fur. Second hour: an off-white H&M piece.

Our Empire live blog starts now! (Now-ish. I may be a few minutes late coming from spin class.)

Image via Fox

8:03 PM: I'm here. Witnessing the genius of du-rag Lucious in these flashbacks.... Thumbs up to Cookie's curly blonde wig. And I see Hakeem is creating more MAGIC.

Advertisement

8:07 PM: This cabin is giving me Scandal Vermont vibes.

8:15 PM: Well, it's starting to get intense. Hakeem spit a verse on stage at Snoop's show and it wasn't bad. He raps: "They say he the king/ Well, I'm the prince." Lucious just punched him in the mouth and I hate him again.

8:19 PM: Hakeem hates Lucious, wants to leave Empire (apparently there's something weird about your dad sleeping with your brother's ex and possibly impregnating her, I dunno): "He think he own us, but guess what?" What?..... what?..... what?....... "He don't."

Advertisement

8:21 PM: Cookie tells Lucious, "You're going down." I believe her.

8:29 PM: Those first keys of Mary J. Blige's "Doubt" really perked me up. Lucious is kicking Cookie out (as a convicted felon, she can't be partner if Empire goes public), but Malcolm is free to roam about the cabin. He was offered a "high level government job" (ok...) in D.C. prior to Empire and now wants to go there with Cookie. She says nah. My bags would be packed.

Advertisement

8:35 PM: "At least you walk like a man." How is Lucious dissing Jamal and trying to compliment him at the same time? Jamal's so classy: "I worshipped the way that you made music."

8:37 PM: And there's the "Whoop that trick" Hustle & Flow reference we've been waiting on. Lucious' singing voice, predictably, sounds like a dying frog from the '60s.

Advertisement

8:47 PM: This. Fur.

Jamal is really pulling a Suge Knight / Vanilla Ice on Beretti on top of a building. Hakeem and Anika???????????????????????????! Memo: Lucious doesn't have ALS. Saw that one coming...

Advertisement

8:52 PM: "I'll send a prayer down to you...in a flame-proof jar." -Andre

"Let's see who's more powerful: your God or your daddy." -Lucious. Is it me or is he super extra evil in this episode.

8:59 PM: Cookie just contemplated smothering Lucious in his sleep with a pillow. This episode is all over the place, and not in the way I'm used to—it seems rushed. Also, Lucious is basically Tupac/Makavelli now.

Advertisement

9:03 PM: Reacting to the news that Lucious isn't dying from ALS after all, Jamal unenthusiastically says, "Dad, that's amazing..." Lucious has just bequeathed the Empire throne to Jamal and says, "The Empire is yours." THE LYON KING.

9:16 PM: So now Hakeem and Anika are plotting together. Theme song tonight: "Case of the Fake People."

Advertisement

9:19 PM: Empire just invoked "Batty Mon" on primetime TV.

9:26 PM: Cookie and Anika throwing down like this is Vh1.

9:34 PM: This 8 Mile inspired rap battle between Jamal and Black Rambo... I can't. Jamal just ended his singing bars with a high-pitched "bitch."

Advertisement

9:45 PM: Andre tells Vernon, "You're just my dad's thug." They fight. Way too much brawling in this episode. Rhonda, naturally, returns at this very moment because Andre is fine AF, and she knocks Vernon over the head. He's dead. If you scored Vernon in this quiz, then I'm sorry you're dead. But you are disloyal and unnecessary. Oh, and Rhonda is pregnant.

9:53 PM: So now Jamal and Lucious are cool and Jamal has turned against Cookie, who's cool with Hakeem, who's sleeping with Anika, who's also working with Cookie to try to take over Empire. And Lucious might be going to jail. And Patti LaBelle is singing with Jamal right now.

Advertisement

9:55PM: Not sure if you're keeping track, but there were 57 storylines in this episode.

9:56 PM: "Game time, bitches." -Lucious, behind bars

THE END.

Advertisement


Contact the author at clover@jezebel.com.