This Is What It's Like to Attempt to Date Jimmy Fallon

Jimmy Fallon–befuddled TV man who makes mumbly sounds and inexplicably occupies a chair on the Tonight Show, while an elaborate tap dance extravaganza of family games and Questlove distract from his unexplained presence–once also occupied a space adjacent to Nicole Kidman on a “date.” Except it is impossible to date Jimmy Fallon, because Jimmy Fallon will not be aware of his surroundings, although it did happen, and Nicole Kidman and accomplice Naomi Watts repeatedly drag it up over the years, as Watts did for the third time last night. The disputed event has turned into fictionalized Tonight Show lore, fallback material for the ages. The story, as pieced together by Nicole Kidman:

The Date

Chapter One:

It is January 2015, and Nicole Kidman is on Tonight Show to promote the movie Paddington. It is mentioned that at some point in Fallon’s life (maybe SNL or something), a confusing arrangement results in Nicole Kidman (to discuss a movie, maybe) entering his home (containing video games and sneakers, he recalls).

Kidman: Rick, our mutual friend, says Oh Jimmy wants to meet you, and you can go over to his apartment, and I’m single, and I’m like okay, yeah–

Fallon: Wait what? What are you talking about?? Did I date Nicole Kidman?

Kidman: You were wearing a baseball cap and like nothing. You wouldn’t talk. You wouldn’t say anything, and then you put a video game on or something … and so after about an hour and a half, I thought, ‘He has no interest, this is so embarrassing.’ And then I was like, ‘Maybe he’s gay.’

Nothing else comes to mind, except there were undeniably crackers, of this both parties are sure.

Fallon: I got cheese.

Kidman: And some old Chinese food.

Fallon: I remember I got Saltine crackers.

Chapter Two:

Twenty-three months have passed, and Nicole returns–against her will, she says (“I really didn’t want to come back”)–to promote her new movie Lion. She recounts a second stab at the date.

Kidman: We were at David Fincher’s house — I think it was David’s house. And it was when Brad [Pitt] and Jen [Aniston] were still together, so it was a long time ago. And you could have asked for my number then because it was round two — second chance. And you still didn’t ask for it.

....

Do you remember the kitchen and the buffet?

No. A coveted moment which only a select few people, if only one person, on this planet will ever experience–an evening brush with Chanel Number 5 model Nicole Kidman combined with limitless food–has fleeted away into the ether of Jimmy Fallon.

Chapter Three:

August 2017, Kidman’s countryman Naomi Watts is on the Tonight Show to promote her new film Glass Castle. Fallon attempts and interview and then circles back to–please no, anything but th–the date.

Fallon: How’s our pal Nicole Kidman?

...

Watts: She said some nice things about you...But you should’ve talked to me, I could have been your wingman at the time.

Fallon: Tell her I said hi.

Ah, hey, look, Naomi Watts does a split!