This Is What Happens When Children Try To Re-Enact Black Swan

Last night's brand-new episode of Dance Moms reiterated the fact that the stars here are, in fact, the moms. (If they weren't, the show would be called, I don't know, Dance Kids?) So is it any surprise that when the girls won the National Talent Competition, the mothers made it all about themselves?

The Mother most guilty of this was Kelly, who told Abby that she could take the crown her daughter recently won and "shove it up [her] ass!" after Abby told her that her daughters were "mediocre." The fight (above) set the tone for the rest of the episode.

But when you're putting all of your eggs in one basket — a basket that's desperately trying to be Black Swan with children — how can you expect the great Abby Lee to bother with the "difficult to work with" children of a pain-in-the-ass mom? Nevertheless, Chloe and Maddie's performance was pretty impressiveo.

Not-so-impressive, on the other hand, was the dance that Kelly's daughters cooked up with little-to-no practice. After seeing the fantastic Black Swan routine, Kelly was furious about the lack of attention her daughters received, terrible choreography of their dance, and the Raggedy-Ann-looking costumes their she had to buy them. Frustrated by the injustice of the situation and yet another win by Maddie, Kelly goes off on a rant to the cameras: "It's like I'm purposely sticking my kids on stage to be made fools of!" Exactly.

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Chip, in search of dip

That Black Swan dance exemplifies EVERYTHING that I loathe about Abby Lee and her brand of dance.

The costumes are a disaster (WTF?), the girls are entirely too young for the themes of Swan Lake and Black Swan (as evidenced by Maddy's ridiculous grin), and there was not a shred of ballet in that.

Maybe I'm just bitter having performed the Odette/Odile role and IT'S REALLY PRECIOUS TO ME OKAY. I try not to be an offended former ballerina but I can't help it with this shitshow.