This Is the Porniest Food Porn of All Time

If the French wanted to take over the world, they wouldn’t need weapons of mass destruction or anything like that. They could just sit back and show us videos like this, and march all over our defenseless homeland, while we sit helplessly drooling like madmen, transfixed by these gorgeous images of food.

According to AdWeek, this video is all to get you to bow down to our French overlords and swear allegiance to them for all eternity for an ad for coffee brand Carte Noir. Adweek attempted to use Google translate to figure out what was going on in the video, an the results are perfect:

The ambitious among you can find out how to make them, in French, over at the Carte Noire website, along with the following message. “Discover Rose by Carte Noire, greedy video reserved for women. Exclusively for men, this recipe is to enjoy with friends. But you resist the urge to share these adorable cabbage with your lover?” OK, maybe Google Translate didn’t nail the details, but you get the idea. “Download the recipe without waiting!” is pretty clear, though.

Watch it above, then let’s talk about that sad Subway Cold Cut Trio combo you had for lunch. Did you get Cheetos or Baked Lays for a side? Yeah, I usually go with the Cheetos.