This Is The Most Obnoxious Fortune Cookie Fortune I Have Ever Received

I got this fortune in my fortune cookie today: “Work on improving your exercise routine.” Umm, this is not a “fortune.”

Every week we go to this really great Chinese place by our house—there’s lots of Chinese restaurants here, but this is the fancy one, by the Walmart. I really like their food and the owners are super sweet. Good times!

Except this week, I got this batshitcrazy “fortune” in my cookie. “Work on improving your exercise routine.” UH OK BITCHY FORTUNE COOKIE THAT IS PROBABLY MY MOTHER. My exercise routine is fine, thank you very much. Yesterday, the wine bottle opener fell under the couch and I had to yell for 20 minutes to get my boyfriend to come get it. Do you know how many calories that burned? Like 80 billion. So there you go.