Today, somebody sent an angel to our inbox: a once-infamous pick up artistry manual that made the rounds in one very special-sounding Connecticut high school several years back. But could teens in a Connecticut high school possibly know about sex? you might be asking yourself. The answer, both now and throughout the ages, is and will always be, “very little.”
Transport yourself, for a moment, back to simpler days of 2010. Back when viral meant “something you catch from a snot-covered child” and nobody used #blessed ironically. Back when all flexing was done at the club or on MySpace, and Instagram meant “immediately, a graham cracker.” From that era arose a jewel: the legendary Steps to Becoming a Douche Bag. The story goes that one junior lacrosse player, moved by the era’s creative fecundity (and probably by his cultural proximity to the mainstreaming of a famous Pick Up Artist named Mystery) composed for his classmates a work he called Steps to Becoming a Douche Bag. In it, which we’ve reprinted in its entirety below, Lacrosse Boy explains the difference between “sluts” and “goodie goodies,” and why a good way to flirt with a girl is to “make up a rumor about them that is believable but not true.” Truly, incredible wisdom.
According to our tipster, Lacrosse Boy wasn’t doing this out of the goodness of his heart; teen wannabe fingerbang virtuosos were given their first taste of douchebag lessons for free, with the assumption they, eager to learn even more from the guide’s author, would pay to learn more in the future.
We weren’t able to connect with the man behind the Steps, but according to our tipster, he was a popular kid before Steps and only got more popular after practically everybody in the school had seen them.
The lessons circulated through the high school via email in 2009/2010. The internet wasn’t quite viral-machine status yet so it died down after they graduated, but apparently people still talk about it. The author was a HS Junior at the time and now he attends a well regarded expensive private university on the east coast.
Now, without further ado (formatting edited for clarity, but spelling is [sic]), the so-called “lessons.” (Note: This was sent us in a strange format; we’ve transcribed the text below and embedded screenshots of the email at the bottom of this post.)
Steps To Becoming a Douche Bag
A Study By: [REDACTED]
Why are you here?
You could be here for many reasons
- To finally get out of the dreaded “friend zone”
- To learn how to talk to girls without appearing to be a creep or pussy
- To learn how to manipulate the mind of a woman
- To both master the art of picking up sluts or turning a good girl bad
- Began life as a complete failure in the art of woman
- Until freshman year had only kissed 2 girls (wadda puss)
- Came upon a book at the end of freshman year that changed his life for ever (book will be brought up later in the lesson)
- After perfecting the use of this book, he began further studying the minds of woman and created a new method to both receiving their worship and ruining their lives if necessary
- After numerous pleas for assistance in this area of life he decided to share his knowledge with his fellow men
Knowing Your Target
- Girls are not intelligent, any woman can be tricked into doing almost anything you want them to do
- The only thing that prevents you from getting any action is YOU
- Some things about girls are exactly the same no matter which one it is, but there are many types of girls and knowing which type each girl is, is the first step in the process
Type 1- The Slut
- Sluts are clearly the easiest to manipulate, control, and get action from but getting and keeping a slut is not as easy as it seems
- Sluts are always going to be talking to many other players so it is your job to make them want you, not show that you want them
- When talking to sluts pretend to care about their personality, this will separate you from the rest of the pool of men. This is one of the only times where I will tell you to act very nice to a female
- Ask them about who they are going for and seem interested but show no signs that you want them
- Then talk about all the girls who want to get with you, sluts are a unique breed of female who pride themselves in getting with guys that other girls want
- The easiest way to make them want you is to tell them about other girls who want to get with you without making it seem like you are interested in the slut at all.
- This can be done by either using true people who want to get with you or using the much easier method…lying to them. Lying is one of the most useful tools when dealing with girls
Type-2 The goodie goodie
- As weird as this seems the most prude, stuck up, goodie goodie girls are sometimes the easiest to fool
- Inside every good girl is a horny dirty slut, and its up to you to get it out of her.
- Patients is the key with the goodie goodie, if you show what you are truly planning it can go dreadfully wrong and may given give the “creep title” which could kill an man whores game
Goodie Goodie Cont.
- In order to get a goodie goodie you need to follow these steps very closely because there is a high chance of embarrassment when dealing with this type of woman
- Do not bring up accomplishments in your history of playing like you did with the sluts
- You need to show that you want to change your ways (haha)
- Talk about emotions (fake them) how you have been hurt by a girl, family issues, look into there history and look for some of their issues, then make up a lie 2 copy them
- Talk about how your looking for a good girl and when they ask you who likes you bring up one of there rivals
- Rival= Any girl that has dated a targets ex or is a known enemy of your target, a rival is useful when talking to any breed of girl
The Perfect Medium
- When dealing with what we call a dateable girl you need to use everything at your disposal
- These females when never be single for long so you need to pounce on the opportunity right when it opens up
BEWARE: Do not fall in love, this will ruin all game and usually you will lose all power of manipulation and control
Perfect Medium Cont.
- When dealing with a PM you need to make sure you look like your also a hot item on the market
- Often talk to other girls in front of them (their rivals and friends are perfect for this)
- Show them attention by flirting with them but never show to much attachment
- When txting them never send more than two messages in a row
- Make sure you have backup plans because when dealing with a PM your going to need to play hard to get, so work your slut and goodie goodies while you progress on the PM
- If you find your self making progress make contact with me or another teacher for more instructions because you will be way over your head
Skills of the Douche bag
Changing your image
- Don’t be fooled by the ignorance of most men, looks are not important, athletics are not important, intelligence is not important, all that is important is knowing what girls want.
- The key to fixing your image is conforming to the illogical ideals of the female kind
- Be cocky and talkative
- Never let a girl talk down to you, assume control
- Dress in bright clothing try to catch the eye of everyone in the room
- Smile as much as possible
- Be the center of attention
- Sit in the corner of the room
- Talk to girls without flirting
- Show disappointment
- Dress sloppy ever, always attempt to look your best
- Stay under the radar
The Art of Texting
- Texting is one of the most crucial parts to landing a girl in your high school life
- The key is to always be talking to at least one girl throughout the day so that you never get to attached to one target
- You should keep at least one of each type of female on your texting list at a time and the more girls you are communicating with the better
Reading into a Message
- Each message has a hidden message underneath it which is important to figure out
- Multiple letters at the end of a word show excitement so a heyyy or hiii shows the girls interest in you
- Whenever your communicating with a girl peak there interest and right when the conversation is flowing nicely, suddenly cut out, although they sometimes will not show it this will usually peak there interest and want them to continue talking to you in the future
- Make sure you sometimes seem upset with them, over react to little things they do wrong to you and when they try to apologize just say “yea watever its fine, I gotta go”this will show that your sensitive
What to have conversations about
- Fake rumors about them- make up a rumor about them that is believable but not true and say “I didn’t believe that you’d do something like that but I wanted to make sure before I defended you”
- Talk about how bored you are
- Talk about how annoying one of their rivals is for hitting on you all the time (lie)
- Emotional stress (lie)
- Your actual interests
- What you actually did this weekend “make your life sound like a party”
- Don’t make the mistake of seeming already fully taken when trying to play hard to get it’s a close line
Face to Face Situations
- Whenever you see the targets you are flirting with in person seem extremely happy, energetic, and wild
- Show them some attention but do not directly all you attention to them, move about from person to person, just talk to them a little extra
- Tease them and brag about yourself
- When you compliment them to it backhandedly “such as you look pretty tonight, just not as pretty as me, but just being close is impressive”
- Try to make eye contact from across the room and then turn away immediately…they’ll think its an accident
Face to Face Cont.
- When talking to a group of girls with a target in them flirt with one of the friends, this will force the target to stand her ground
- Once a strong flirting scene has been created separate from the rest of the group this is the most difficult step to do without saying something awkward, before talking try to just walk away and see if they follow
- At a dance just like drag them away
- Once individual time has been made, lower your voice volume, whispering in there ear is sometimes best a loud social events
- Once you have them laughing and flirting make eye contact and go in for the kill, after all of your previous work put in it is almost a sure thing.
- Just remember girls also want to hook up with guys and even if they don’t like you, they are bound to not reject you once you get into this situation
- Girls are not that hard to manipulate and it only gets easier the more you do it
- The more girls you talk to the higher the chance of getting a hook up is so quantity is more important than quality
- Girls are going to want a guy who’s talked about so even a bad hook up is better than none at all
- Don’t be afraid to get shut down, you’ll never land a girl if you never make the effort
Don’t be afraid to ask for advice at any time
Did you attend Lacrosse Boy’s Very Special High School and do you know more about this important document? Did your school have its own mini-viral pickup manual? We’d love to see it.
Contact the other at firstname.lastname@example.org.