Screenshot via WCN.

There’s a 31-pound cat chilling in the break-room cabinet of a Pittsboro, North Carolina animal shelter right now and I ask of you: what are you doing that is better?

Unless the answers are curing cancer, feeding the hungry, protecting wildlife, or building homes for the needy, what you are doing is totally not as great as what this cat is doing right now. The cat, a stray found this week, doesn’t fit in normal kennels because he is too freaking mighty and regal; WCN reports that, as a result, shelter employees have allowed him to post up inside the cabinet. Right now, I’m typing to you from my off-brand foam mattress, sweating profusely because of my refusal to get air conditioning, a decision I regret for five-or-ten days every summer, because I haven’t yet figured out life. You know who has figured out life?

This gloriously fat cat.

After the shelter posted a picture of a staff member holding the cat, people became fascinated with the chubby feline from the Siler City, North Carolina, area and started coming to see him.

“Everybody wants to see him, because they think the picture is fake,” said Tiffany Foushee, a shelter attendant. “And then they seem him and they’re amazed at how big he is.”

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Of course they want to see him. He is a life guru, a brilliant little furball who knows how to manipulate our emotions and love via fluffiness and fatness and adorableness and ability to sit for extended periods of time in a treehouse of his own making. He is the best cat. If his owners don’t pick him up by Monday, reports WSBTV, he will be adoptable for $20. Don’t even think about it, I’ve already booked a flight.

UPDATE, 3:55 p.m.: The cat now has a name, Mr. Handsome, which is BEYOND APT. But he is so popular that the shelter is being forced to alter their adoption process in order to accommodate his bodacious bod. Per WCN/CBS North Carolina:

“Due to the huge outpouring of interest from people and potential adopters, we are announcing a new adoption process for public safety reasons,” said Animal Services Director Alan Canady. “We are a small rural shelter on a narrow road. We simply could not accommodate large numbers of people arriving and parking here on Monday.”

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Same! All applicants will now be required to have vet references and Mr. Handsome will be homed VIA RAFFLE.