This Book Cressida Bonas Is Carrying Is NOT A Message To Prince Harry

Illustration for article titled This Book Cressida Bonas Is Carrying Is NOT A Message To Prince Harry

Cressida Bonas (BEST NAME EVER), the reported girlfriend of Super Ginger and ice trekker Prince Harry, basically caused a major kerfuffle when she dared to step out last week carrying a book called Why Love Matters causing some people to of freak out about it. Because OBVIOUSLY this is a secret message to Prince Harry, you guise! People don't just read books about things. No! This is all about "sending a secret message," duh! Love 'matters,' Harry! Quit running around in the snow AND LET ME LOVE YOU.

Illustration for article titled This Book Cressida Bonas Is Carrying Is NOT A Message To Prince Harry

OH BTW! Carrying a book also means she has "babies on the brain," because the book "covers how affection shapes a baby's brain." Or, you know, she's just carrying a fucking book.

People will try and interpret the meaning behind books that celebrities carry more than scientists studying the meaning behind the paintings in caves at Lascaux. The tabloids wrote more about this girl's book than The Oxford Press wrote about the Crimean War.

Look, I know just what it is like to be in her shoes. I have dated some very famous men in my time. I was once engaged to the son of the guy who used to own the old Meineke before they had to tear it down because of all the rats and asbestos and stuff. You have no idea the pressure of constantly being asked by the guys in your fiance's uncle's Kiwanis Club 'so, how are things going with you two?'OMG THE SCRUTINY.

Now, in the spirit of this totally irrational internet theorizing bullshit story, I thought I would open up and share how I have used this very technique myself, as it is quite effective in conveying important, life-altering communications to lovers, close friends, celebrity acquaintances or whatever alien race your doctor is trying to convince you is not real.


Here are the various books I have carried around in the past few months, and all the secret messages to famous men they have meant:

The Secret by Rhonda ByrneRyan Gosling: "Do you know a good place in town to get a taco? I went to this one place I liked. But it was closed. Thanks."


Bombshell by Suzanne SomersDaniel Craig: "What cheese do you think goes best with ham? I was thinking obvi cheddar, but then my friend was all NOOOO SWISSS!!! Conflicted."

By All Means, Keep on Moving by Marilu HennerBradley Cooper: "I think I may owe you money from this thing once. Did you ever used to bet on chicken boxing? I thought I remembered you from this one club. Normally I don't settle up my debts to anyone ever, but that chicken really broke my heart and I want to start over with a clean slate."


Mission, Earth by L. Ron Hubbard—-Benedict Cumberbatch: "Dude, there are a lot of dirty words you can make out of your name! Like Benedict [Editor's Note: Holy shit. REDACTED.]"

Middlemarch by George EliotIdris Elba: "Hey, do you know what this book is about? I've been trying to read it for like a month. ZERO CLUE. You seem British-y and shit. Seriously dude, hit me up w/some Cliff's notes or whatevs."


This Is A Dead Account

They're missing the real story here, which is: WHERE IS HER SCRUNCHIE?

Has she given it to someone, perhaps another suitor? Has she loaned it to Kate Middleton for luck? Has she lost it?

What if she finally read a magazine published after 1998 and discovered that scrunchies are no longer in fashion?! WHY IS NO ONE COVERING THIS STORY.