This Beyonce 'Soundboardt' Will Bring About the End of Human Speech

Illustration for article titled This Beyonce 'Soundboardt' Will Bring About the End of Human Speech

Goodbye, stupid languages humans have worked on developing for thousands and thousands of years! Because we won't need to actually speak to each other anymore, since Beyonce's music and lyrics contain every single emotion and physical sensation human beings need to address one another.

Behold Soundboardt. It was created by a cadre of mystic druids, living in cave far beneath the Earth's surface, where they existed on nothing but cupcakes and a steady stream of the sounds of Beyoncé, played on a loop at full volume. Such was how they invented our new language, henceforth dubbed by me as "Beyoncéish."

Whether you feel the need to tell someone that you "woke up like this," or to tell someone that you are going to "sit this ass on you," the Soundboardt makes it easy. And it's even easier to combine phrases! Such as: "GODDAMN, GODDAMN! Gimme somethin'!" That phrase alone should take care of about 90 percent of all your communication needs in your professional and personal life. Or: "Bow down, bitches! I cooked this meal for you naked!" There, that should make Thanksgiving this year so much easier on you and your loved ones!


Now, it is with happy heart that I bid farewell to the last words I will ever utter and welcome the empowering beats and lyrics of Queen B for all time henceforth.

Image via Getty Images.

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I really enjoy this album and I recently saw Beyonce live and she was fantastic. But how long is everyone going to ignore Jay-Z's "eat the cake Anna Mae" line? Did she come out and make a statement that can somehow explain those awful and problematic lyrics? Did I miss something? Am I the only one who feels this way?