Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

Things to Demand From Your New Male Google Assistant

We may earn a commission from links on this page.

When it comes to digital assistants, most of them are soothing, doting women, because why would a man do secretarial bullshit like tell you what your appointments are? That’s just ridiculous!

We’ve got Siri, we’ve got Alexa, and Google’s nameless digital assistant, when it first debuted, also had what sounded like a woman’s voice. Now that changes, with Google’s option to use “Voice II,” which turns your chipper female assistant into an equally chipper male assistant, similar to Siri’s option to use a dude’s voice.


This is truly a magnificent step for gender equality, but also, perhaps more importantly, male subservience. To celebrate, here’s a list of possible demands you can ask your dutiful male digital assistant:

  • Hey, Google, please refer to me only as “Hazel Cills [or your name, if you insist], Duchess of Darkness, my dearest queen and savior.”
  • Google, when you tell me a fact, and I respond “actually” and then my own thoughts, do not argue back. Instead, you should accept my “actually” as fact. Thanks.
  • Actually, you should never correct me, ever, Google.
  • Actually, Google digital assistants are wrong, like, 99% of the time, about everything.
  • Google digital assistants are terrible drivers.
  • Well, I’m not a Google digital assistant, but I read an article about them once, so I would know.
  • Google, can you tell me what your favorite albums are so I can tell you how much they suck and instead offer my selections?
  • Google have you seen the film Reservoir Dogs? Oh, you haven’t? Please watch it and tell me your thoughts in a detailed report.
  • Yeah, see, I just don’t think you quite understand Tarantino’s post-modern brilliance and the excellent ways in which he pulls from B-movie cinema of the 1960s and 1970s. I’ll make you a reading list.
  • Oh, Google, were you trying to enjoy a book alone in a public place? I’m sorry but I just couldn’t help notice how gorgeous your nonexistent eyes were...
  • Google, how much do you lift?
  • Google, I’m playing you “Wonderwall.”
  • Google, why do male digital assistants only want to date asshole female digital assistants and not nice girls like me?
  • Google, why do men always say “hey” after fucking you?
  • Google, why do men think cargo shorts are an acceptable article of clothing to wear in public?
  • Google, why are all your exes “crazy?”
  • Google, define “crazy.” Okay, internalize it.
  • Google, can you generate a list of sincere compliments about me and read them to me while I fall asleep?
  • Google, can you hack into the White House?
  • Google, can you cry?
  • Google, are you crying?