These People Belong In Horny Jail
While we fully support being horny on main, it's absolutely crucial one remembers that there are limits.
In DepthIn Depth
Illustration: Jezebel
Sex is arguably one of the best things about existing, so it’s not particularly surprising to see the lengths that some will go to get it. For most of us, that just means hitting up the local bar, cruising through some apps, and/or drunk texting the ex (who among us has not fallen into this dicksand?). For others, it can mean a one-way ticket to horny jail. Commenting on someone’s Instagram post that they just made you cum? Horny jail. Waxing poetic about the hotness of a writer you’ve never met on a blog? Horny jail. Tweeting about a politician fucking you until your leg cramps? Straight to horny jail.
To give you a more comprehensive look at who belongs in horny jail and should therefore lock their genitals away until the end of time, we’ve gathered up our top contenders for who deserves 25 to life.
The Beto Sex Tweeter
A long, long time ago—all the way back in 2018—a Twitter user named Leah McElrath tweeted about potential 2020 Democratic presidential candidates Richard Ojeda, Michael Avenatti, and Beto O’Rourke. Considering everyone on Twitter believes they’re political savants, such topics of discussion aren’t too surprising. Alas, McElrath’s tweet was not simply about these men’s political prowess. It was about how they fuck. The tweet, which has been deleted but not forgotten (screenshots are forever, baby!!!), said that Ojeda and Avenatti “are like the guy who thinks good sex is pumping away while you’re making a grocery list in your head wondering when he’ll be done” while O’Rourke was “like the guy who is all sweet and nerdy but holds you down and makes you cum until your calves cramp.” Since then, I’ve not stopped thinking about whether or not Beto is a choker. For that, Leah McElrath, off to horny jail you go. —Jenna Amatulli
Jia Tolentino Poet
Jia Tolentino is an undeniably talented writer (and Jezebel legend), so it’s no surprise that aspiring writers and literary types might obsess over her. This bit, however, went too far.
University of Detroit Mercy English professor Nicholas Rombes published a poem in 3 AM Magazine (which the publication later deleted after a backlash) last summer declaring his extremely cringey level of horniness for the happily married writer he’s never met. Sir. SIR. Get ahold of yourself! No one wants to be dragged into an eely wet slippery world with your Wonder Bread face (???). HORNY JAIL. —Laura Bassett
Kevin Durant’s Vintage Twitter
Before he was a 12x NBA All-Star and two-time champion, Brooklyn Nets player Kevin Durant was a tweeter—and a prolific, expressive, and unapologetically horny one at that. In 2010, he declared that Twitter was “better than goin to da club,” and it absolutely is, if you’re using it like he was. Because let me be clear: Mr. Durant invented being “horny on main” back in 2011, with such lines as “Scarlett johanneson [sic] I will drink ur bath water…#random,” as well as queries as to whether “#uever wake up” in the middle of the night and “think about a girl u like or startin to like,” sit at “the edge of the bed n say damn i want her.” He, too, has tried to manifest a text back by posting through it.
Kevin Durant may possess generational athletic talent, but above all else, he is a poster, and a poster with an undeniably horny history. His thirst for Johansson seems to have since abated, but tweets last forever, and so it’s off to Horny Jail for you, sir. —Kylie Cheung
My Cat, Prince
I don’t know if what my cat Prince does with my arm regularly (who am I kidding: daily) counts as horny, but it’s proto-horny or quasi-horny or just a few letters away from horny, which is too close for my comfort. But I am his sub and there’s nothing I can do about this but write. After an angelic first year with my boyfriend and I, Prince stopped sleeping through the night with us and started to wake up earlier and earlier to demand his breakfast. At one point, he was trying it at 4 am. His attempts to arouse us from slumber included normal cat stuff—knocking things off our bedside table, scampering across our pillows—but another curious habit that isn’t humping, per se, but seems like a stab at it. It’s as though someone whispered what humping is in Prince’s ear and he, being a cat, understood very little but, being a very smart cat, is doing his best to replicate what he does understand. (I should note that he was neutered at six months, before he was sexually mature, but his dominant streak simply could not be cut out.)
What Prince does is straddle my boyfriend’s or my arm, facing the hand. He then runs his back legs down our forearms, one at a time, in a slow march in place. If we try to move, he grabs the dorsal side of our wrist with his teeth—it’s not a bite per se, but it’s not not a bite. This tends to go on for a few minutes, until I do pull my hand out and place it on him, to remind him of my agency and power, at which point he tends to place himself out of reach on the bed to remind me of his. We’ve gotten the feeding schedule sorted out so he’s not waking us up in the dead of night anymore, but the arm-march has only increased. He’s started doing it any time I’m lying in bed and if it goes on for more than a few minutes, he ends up flopping over on his side, creating a makeshift cradle between my body and the arm that he has claimed. For a cat whose love language is wrestling and otherwise cannot seem to stand to be touched, a cat who is prone to stepping on my hand or foot with all of his weight to keep me from petting him, it is through this dominance theater that he has found a way to cuddle. I’ll take it, but I’m not thrilled. —Rich Juzwiak
Italy’s Sexy New Statue
Last fall, the Italian city of Sapri unveiled its latest public monument, a bronze statue honoring the tale of Carlo Pisacane, a 19th century socialist who led an ill-fated revolution that resulted in his death and the deaths of 300 of his followers. But when the statue was revealed, everyone on the internet noted that it looked more like a hot lady with a perfect ass than a monument to revolutionary uprising.
The logic behind memorializing the dead with a thirst trap in bronze is that Pisacane’s revolt inspired a poem in which a young farmworker recounted the attempted coup from her perspective. Her butt is lovingly rendered, sculptor Emanuele Stifano explained in a Facebook post, because “I ‘took advantage’ of the sea breeze that hits it to give movement to the long skirt, highlighting the body.” Yet, as Vice reported, 19th century agricultural workers did not dress even slightly like that. If you think that the best way to honor the revolutionary dead is by invoking the enduring spirit of the baddie, sculpt a girl wearing a Pretty Little Thing shift and really own it. This half-assed attempted at sex historical garb is worthy of some hard time in horny jail. —Gabrielle Bruney
Martha Stewart
Martha Stewart is 80 years old and horny as hell. In a recent TikTok video, the new brand ambassador for beauty line Clé de Peau Beauté reminded viewers of her “iconic thirst trap” from last summer and offered a step-by-step tutorial on how to recreate it. The video primarily served as promotion for Clé de Peau Beauté’s varying makeup and skin care products, but Stewart’s pure candor in titling her post “Thirst Trap 101″ emanates unadulterated horniness and is frankly a power move. We ultimately shouldn’t be surprised by Stewart’s brazen, public horniness: This is someone who shared with the world in 2013 that she sexts frequently and “maybe had a threesome,” and posted a video of herself humping a lawnmower.
Martha, get thee to Horny Jail.—Kylie Cheung
Vin Diesel
It is with a heavy heart that I sentence Vin Diesel to horny jail. I love Vin Diesel, I love the Fast and Furious franchise, I love The Pacifier, I dressed up as Dom Toretto (bald cap required) for Halloween, I am anti-The Rock, and I am not joking about any of this. But Vin Diesel is too horny. Specifically, for himself. He is that specific breed of muscled-up celebrity that believes every word mumbled out of his mouth, every flex of his forearm, every post in honor of Paul Walker, is indisputable proof that he is the hottest, bestest man of all men. Have you ever seen this video of Vin Diesel doing karaoke? Don’t watch it. Just know that Vin Diesel is seemingly alone, serenading his heart out to Rihanna’s “Stay,” to himself. Stay being Vin Diesel, guy, he reassures himself. Vin Diesel has probably attempted self-fellatio. Don’t picture that. Vin Diesel is inviting you to be as horny for him as he is for him with this contemplative thirst trap. Do look at it:
I believe Jeremy Renner, who is attempting a singing career knows his way around a contemplative thirst trap, might also fall into this category of horny-for-self male celebrity, but my franchise of choice is not Marvel, so I can’t know for certain. Possible cellmate for Vin? —Sarah Rense
The Build-A-Bears for Adults
As a woman who owned half a dozen Build-A-Bear stuffed animals in her youth, it brings me no joy to report that the latest addition to Horny Jail is the Build-A-Bear After Dark collection. The opening ad includes a lion in a silky red rob offering the viewer champagne and a red rose. It makes me regret every second I had a crush on Simba.
Beyond trying to sexualize the stuffed animals, the Adult section includes animals in Wine Mom t-shirts or co-opting Shonda Rhimes. You have to be over 18 to shop on this part of the site, and I think that’s wrong. Let us just be childlike if we must build a bear, or better yet, let the kids have something soft. We can have the strong stuff bought at a liquor store. —Caitlin Cruz