Stassie Baby had a birthday! Everyone in Hollywood showed up to it! I’m exclaiming these things because I recently suffered a near-fatal post-modern panic attack!
Tinseltown is abuzz this morning with the lingering whiff of hungover famous people, crawling on hand and foot to WeHo Bistro or La Boheme or somewhere with a nice patio and a large glass of water. Maybe a waffle or two. Anything, really, to wash down the memory of Kylie Jenner’s best friend’s birthday last night. Yes! Not Kylie Jenner, the other one, Stassie Baby, who is actually quite cooler than her doppelganger.
Famous by proxy, it’s no wonder every influencer under God’s accursed sun showed up for her birthday bash. It’s proof that a good personality and Kylie Jenner on your arm—plus a bunch of Kylie Jenner lookalikes—really does wonder for budding fabfluencers looking to cap 10 million Instagram followers.
The party Tuesday night was held alongside someone named Zack Bia, who is apparently Drake’s best friend, according to a helpful GQ feature called “Who is Zack Bia?” (Kudos to GQ for this SEO goldmine.) This makes sense, considering Drake arrived via motorcade alongside his father. A room full of clouty 19-year-old influencers is like catnip, or a bat signal, for those two.
So about my panic attack. In one night, onlookers and paparazzi snapped a party in Hollywood with Dennis Graham (Drake’s daddy), Winnie Harlow, Kyle Kuzma, Dixie D’Amelio, somebody named Kid Laroi, Chantel Jeffries, Kendall Jenner, Hailey Bieber, Kehlani, and of course, Kylie Jenner. The guest list reads like the sort of thing Jacques Derrida referenced in 1993's Specters of Marx, in which he wrote: “A radicalization is always indebted to the very thing it radicalizes,” later adding that “one makes oneself accountable by an engagement that selects, interprets and orients.” The radicalization is my new understanding that fame isn’t real and TikTok is the new cinema. My accountability will be had in this blog, during which I will expose everyone else to this radicalizing force.
Let’s check out the guest list!