These Marvins Totally Wrecked Your Wedding
In DepthThis week we asked who ruined your wedding, and wow, your stories were not so easy to read. A lot of them were great and hilarious, but far too many of them were not remotely hilarious. Those ones made me sad. But! I sort of think that the sharing of them is cathartic, and so that makes me happy.
Thank you for joining me on that emotional journey.
Let us now turn our attention to the proverbial Marvins in your lives, and let us also please make “Marvin” happen.
I am a wedding ruiner. I have a history of throwing up at weddings. Once, at a cousin’s wedding, because I had just turned 21 and it was my first time experiencing the exquisite wondrous torture that is The Open Bar. I puked everywhere: at the table, in the lobby, outside and in the bathroom. But one good thing about being 21, no hangover not even a headache.
Another time I was a bridesmaid in my BFF’s wedding and was struck with the stomach flu the day before the ceremony, courtesy of my ex’s dad. It hit right between getting our nails done and the rehearsal dinner and didn’t for another week and a half. I managed to pull myself together enough to get my dress and make up on. I also managed to get down the aisle. But I was to dehydrated to stand for the full 45 min ceremony and started to get dizzy. Luckily a concerned guest gave me his chair for the rest of the ceremony. Unluckily the second I stood up I was overcome with nausea and the next thing I know the wedding planner has whisked me through a side door and pointed my face at a trash can.
I apologized to the bride and groom who had no idea what I was talking about until they got the pictures. However I am pretty her whole family will forever remember that wedding as The One with the Puking Bridesmaid, especially after last Thanksgiving (I spent it with said bride and her family) when her grandfather turned to me and said “you were in the wedding, right? You’re the one that almost fell down!”
This wedding by the way was 3 1/2 years ago.
I wouldn’t say it was ‘royally screwed up’ but we did have a bit of fisticuffs. Our venue is on a private school’s campus. It used to be the convent and is now the library for the school in one part and a reception/wedding venue in another with the nuns living on the 3rd floor. The school isn’t so much in a residential area, but there are homes nearby.
Ceremony went off without a hitch (as far as I know) and afterwards we went up to the bridal suite to have some snacks & drinks while everyone else was cocktailing or whatever.
Apparently one of the homeowners near by had just had ENOUGH of our salsa band. Keep in mind, this was literally 15 minutes into the cocktail hour and the band had been playing MAYBE for 10 of those minutes. He proceeds to come into the venue, try to unplug the all of the musician’s equipment and got all loud with the band. The cater’s son also works with her as an assistant site manager. So he was there and witnessed it all. He went over to the homeowner, trying to diffuse the situation when the guy swung at him. A fight follows, cops are called, he’s escorted out in handcuffs and the cater’s son is all bloodied up.
Our best man took care of everything, no one knew what happened. He brushed it off as nothing, didn’t tell anyone until MUCH later in the evening. My husband leaned over to me in the limo and goes ‘did you know John broke up a fight tonight?’ UM NO, no I did not! The cater’s son pressed charges against the homeowner for assault, as did the venue for trespassing. I have no idea how it all turned out but I have a somewhat fun wedding story!
Fucking polar vortex 2013. Half my family didn’t make it up from Houston, the best man couldn’t make it out of his Dallas neighborhood, and half the guests’ flights were delayed coming in or going out. Also, it was 32degress in Austin when the average was normally 55, and we chose an outdoor venue. Ugh.
Who screwed up my wedding? Writer/Director David Mamet (young folks may know him as Zosia Mamet’s father). He was filming a movie in my hometown the day of our wedding.
They changed the street signs which made the driving directions I had given to guests inaccurate. Traffic around the church was insane. I arrived to find Alec Baldwin chatting with the minister (who was actually sweating with excitement and forgot my name during the ceremony). We were asked us not to ring the church bells post ceremony. Then we couldn’t get to our photo location because a scene Sarah Jessica Parker was shooting was in the way.
They were supposed to halt production during the wedding, but the weather was so nice they plowed through. My favorite memory is my mom scolding David Mamet – complete with finger pointing – as she held my veil that was flowing in the breeze.
The irony was that the movie was about how a film crew comes to a small town and turns things upside down. Yup.
He did send us a nice letter, signed head shots of the stars and a commemorative coin they gave out to cast and crew. The letter said he hoped that the would one day become a funny story. Guess so.
My mother. Who took the opportunity during her toast to give my bride my bronzed baby shoes, saying “This is all I have left to give to you of my Gregory. The rest you’ve already taken for yourself”
Fortunately, enough people were sufficiently drunk that many people either missed it, or chose to miss it. Unfortunately, it is immortalized on the DVD.
Apparently my parents’ wedding was kind of a shit show. There was a blizzard that day, and my Oma totally bit it walking into the church. The priest was drunk (my dad said he could smell the wine on his breath for the entire 2 hour ceremony (mom’s side is Greek Orthodox)). Aaaaand the best man gave this toast: “Here’s to honor: Get honor, and stay honor.”
My parents are still married.
I feel like I say this every week, but man, it was tough to pick a best story! I decided to go with this one which is so amazing and speaks so directly to my heart that I fear it is made up. I’ve decided, however, to will it into being true. And so, by the power vested in me, I declare this comment my lawfully wedded wife.
In what’s becoming a recurring theme of the best variety, damn, it was hard to pick a best story this week. But there was one, in particular, that spoke to me in just the right way and so, by the power vested in me, I declare this the PTQ comment of the week.
My aunt is very much a free-spirit. She is also very much a fan of white wine. These two factors collided during her son’s wedding, when she stripped down and went streaking back and forth across the massive picture windows of the wedding reception venue. Then she ran into the water to “cleanse the blessed union” and had to be fished out. This all happened even before the toasts, and everyone kind of awkwardly left before 10 pm.
Image via Shutterstock.
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