Nora the dildo. Image via Lovense.

Oh look what the Brave New World of dildo engineering has wrought. Humanity’s uncontrollable lust for dildos that are smarter, faster, more connected, more social, more mobile, more, even, human, has gone horribly wrong. Technology has spun out of control. This is the bellwether of doom. The dildos are recording your orgasms now. Kill yourself before the dildo turns on you.

Newsweek reports that several Reddit users have noticed that the sex toy app Lovense Remote, a product of the Lovense Teledildonics Company, “has been recording audio during their sessions with the toy” and storing them in a folder within the app. In its defense, the company opens with a message which begins:

Greetings.

...not at all a convincing salutation to indicate that the response was not authored by the commander-in-chief of the dildonic army. They go on to assuage your fears by assuring users that this was a “minor bug” and is totally fixed in the update.

Regarding the sound file in question, it has already been confirmed that this is a minor bug - a temporary file that is created when someone uses the Sound Control feature. Your concern is completely understandable. But rest assured, no information or data is sent to our servers.

...

The bug has been fixed and an updated version of Lovense Remote is now available for download in the Google Play store. If your device is running a previous version of Lovense Remote please upgrade to v3.0.7 by clicking here.

We’ll get right on that! we say loudly so it can’t overhear that we’re planning to throw the dildo away and chop it into a hundred tiny pieces and drown it in water so it can’t hear us.

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As for why you’d want a bluetooth-enabled dildo, the company proposes that your partner could turn it on from out-of-state or you can skype and send audio along with the dildo for better phone sex.

It’s not exactly like we haven’t seen this coming. We know you can hack smart dildos. Earlier this year, WeVibe was ordered to pay users after it was discovered that it was sending details like temperature changes and email addresses.

Maybe a back-to-the-land movement will actually move some wooden dildos, which last a lifetime and are probably compostable, which is neat.