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There Are Four Types of Drunks, Says Science

Illustration for article titled There Are Four Types of Drunks, Says Science

For the people who proudly display their Myers-Briggs results on their online bios, there’s a new personality test you can take. Researchers at the University of Missouri-Columbia have categorized drinkers into four different roles, inspired by cultural icons and film characters. Right next to your Myers-Brigg “INFP” type, you can now say you’re one of the following kinds of alcohol imbibers: “Ernest Hemingway,” “Mr. Hyde,” “Mary Poppins” or “The Nutty Professor.”


If you’re a Mary Poppins-type, that means you’re a sweet and responsible drinker. Probably the kind who would hold a friend’s hair back while they barf and not get mad if it gets on your shoes. If you’re a Nutty Professor, you’re the type that is more quiet and reserved when sober, but gets wild when you knock back a few whisky sours. Mr. Hyde types become hostile, and are thought to be the ones most likely to get arrested or experience blackouts, according to the Telegraph.

Those whose behavior doesn’t seem to be affected much by alcohol are known as Hemingways. The researchers stated, “Two previous studies have found that, on average, these two factors reportedly decrease the most with intoxication, so the moderate decreases demonstrated by this group make its members stand out as being ‘less affected’ than drinkers in some of the other groups, much like the author Ernest Hemingway, who claimed that he could ‘drink hells any amount of whiskey without getting drunk’. Most of the subjects fell into that category.


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Mary Poppins here. I fucking love everyone when I’m drunk and will sway up to you and tell you that you are the best human being alive and I respect you and also you are so pretty and nice that I don’t even deserve to know you, no, don’t look at me, I’m ashamed to have someone as wonderful as you look at me. People tell me ‘I love drunk Wisht’ so often that I am amazed I bother staying sober. I don’t tend to take too much of a functionality hit either, a while ago I drank five glasses of wine (rough week) and then came home and had a long and badly typed Facebook argument about Pokémon that included the sentence ‘It’s no use trying to flirt with me, Charmander, you’re still fundamentally weak against rock types’.

EDIT: Also people think I’m only going ‘I love you and you are my best friend’ because I’m drunk but these are generally things I feel when I’m sober but I am too uptight and British to express. Hello, lowered inhibitions!