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The Worst Place You've Ever Peed

Illustration for article titled The Worst Place Youve Ever Peed
Image: Three Lions (Getty Images)

Look, it is October now—the spookiest month in an already harrowing year—so, naturally, Pissing Contest needs to be a bit scary for the next few weeks. (Who doesn’t love a theme?) In that spirit, nothing is creepier than being forced to pee somewhere you really do not want to pee, so tell us: Where’s the worst place you’ve gone to the bathroom? I was recently made to pee in a public park port-a-john, which under regular circumstances wouldn’t be so bad, but it was bad. Like, unidentifiable stench and fecal matter bad. I won’t go into any additional detail, because I’m not trying to win Pissing Contest this week. If you are, well, I’m sorry, but paint us all a shitty picture in the comments below.

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But first, let’s take a look at last week’s winners. These are the wildest lies you told as a child. Spoiler: every entry was adorable.

Vulcanbookworm, you win because this is just pure evil:

Through some elaborate storytelling, I half-convinced my little sister that a monster called “The Generic” lived in the basement. I described the monster as, well, generically as possible: like a big slug but with claws. She started acting nervous about the the basement that night.

What really sold it was when, the next day, I pointed out the sign for “$4 Generics” at Target the next day and telling her you could by pet Generics in stores. Boy oh boy did she scream.

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Springboard, ha!:

I remember telling a classmate in Primary school that the (decorative) metal rings on the front of my very 70's jacket were used to pull me up Mount Everest. I’m not sure how I expected her to believe that, but I can only put it down to being a wildly imaginative 8 year old

PenguinLust2:ElectricBoogigloo, I see what you did there:

I was going to Space Camp.

Nick R., lol this rules:

When I was in second grade they made an announcement at school that there was a Pogo Bal in the lost and found. Now the Pogo Bal was an incredibly stupid toy that was really popular for like one summer in the late 80s. I figured, lost and found? Victimless crime! So I claimed it and took it home on the bus.

My mom was obviously curious as to where I got this thing and I came up with a not very elaborate story about how I was the best kid in class so my teacher had given it to me as a reward. Mom of course didn’t believe this for a second and pressed me for more details and I super committed to the lie and kept insisting that I’d been gifted this giant dumb toy because of how great and very special I was in school, a tough lie to really sell because of how very average I was in school. I don’t recall a lot of the finer points I tried to make any more but suffice to say Mom wasn’t buying it and drove me into school the next morning to return the Pogo Bal and apologize to the office lady in lost and found, the principal, and my teacher. I cried all day.

I cried all day...over this (Why Bal with one L??). Thus ended my life of crime.

Lucy2015, awe:

Not that wild...but as a second-grader I much preferred to stay in and read during mandatory playground time...so I wrote a note to my teacher from my dad, saying I could not be daylight until I adjusted to my new glasses...my mistake was signing it “Love, Guy.” Also block printing...

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Cheers Pink Ears!, very cute:

My mom was head of audit selection our state’s tax department and my dad was in charge of the cigarette tax stamps, but I didn’t know that when I was in first grade, I probably didn’t even understand what an account was at the time, so on the day in first grade where my teacher Mrs. Adams went around the class and asked everyone what their parents did, I said my parents worked at McDonalds! I remember at the time thinking, wouldn’t that be cool, all the toys you could play with!

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HaHaYouFool, oh no!:

When I was in second grade, I was *in love* with my teacher, and desperately wanted her to love me back and think I was cool. When we came back from spring break that year, she asked the class if anyone had gone on any trips anywhere, and probably a third of the kids had stories about vacations and trips to see relatives. I didn’t know until that moment that spring break travel was even a thing and felt bewildered and left out. During quiet work time later that day, I got up to talk to my teacher while she was digging supplies out of a closet and told her my family drove to Hawaii for spring break (I thought flying would be too braggy, lol). She got that exasperated posture universal to all irritated parents and teachers everywhere and just said, “No you didn’t,” without even stopping to look at me. I was crushed at her utter rejection of my awesome story. I knew I was lying, but how did she know that?

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macree, you got what you deserved!:

I convinced my friends little sister that fairies were real, for maybe 2-3 years.

I forget all the stuff I did, but recall making little fairy footprints in flour, uhm, some glitter, on her favorite doll, maybe some notes....it was very involved. She HATED me when she found out it was me, for a very very longtime.

My uncle, just 9 years older than me, was stuck babysitting me a bit, and he lied to me when I was four that tootsie rolls were for adults only, and I didn’t know he was a lying snake until I was 16.

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Feel free to get graphic (with your words—no pictures please) in the comments below.

Senior Writer, Jezebel. My debut book, LARGER THAN LIFE: A History of Boy Bands, is out now.

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winglessvictory
WinglessVictory

1986. Newly pregnant. Florida in August, about noon. Flea Market porta-potty. I vomitted on my feet while I was peeing.