Image: Getty

On Wednesday, the House Committee on Oversight and Reform heard former Trump lawyer Michael Cohen’s testimony. Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib used her time to not only go beyond the surface of his affidavit, but confront the racist posturing of North Carolina Rep. Mark Meadows, who just moments prior asserted that the President couldn’t possibly be racist because Lynne Patton, a black woman and head of Region II of the United States Department of Housing and Urban Development, supports him. Tlaib asked Cohen, “Would you agree that someone could deny rental units to African-Americans, lead the birther movement, refer to the diaspora as ‘shithole countries,’ and refer to white supremacists as ‘fine people,’ have a black friend and still be racist?” He responded, “Yes.”

It was a challenging and exciting exchange, one that has inspired a pretty positive Pissing Contest this week. (Out of character, I know, but hear me out.)

Tell us about the time you stood up for something and triumphed. It can be as minuscule as defending a friend on the playground as a child or standing up in a courtroom, or Congress. Anytime you’ve seen a wrong, made the decision to actually say something about it, and it paid off. Let’s feel good together!

And now, for last week’s winners: the most complicated lie you’ve told.

complicated burner, thanks for the shit talk:

Created this burner to share a secret I’ve kept to myself for many years.

When we were little, nothing was funnier to my brothers than mooning friends and siblings. They took it up a level when they started mooning and farting at the same time. One day, my brother felt a good big one coming so pulled down his sweatpants, bent over for dramatic effect, and let it go.

And shit. all. over. the. floor.

So, so much of it.

My other brother and I stood there gaping. Moon brother remained bent over in stunned horror. Eventually we composed ourselves and did our best to clean it up before our parents got home. Although we were normally sworn enemies, we knew that it was imperative that we not disturb our parents with the fact that their 11 year old son shit on the floor. But there was a huge discolored/wet spot in the carpet when they got home and we hadn’t really thought it through so we said that the cat threw up. They were like, “Cat’s don’t throw up that big.” “We put too much Woolite on it.” “Why is it such a dark color then?” “Moon Brother threw up trying to clean it up.” “Why didn’t you say that then?” [finally, looking Dad deep in the eyes]: “We think you should just drop it.”

And they did.

JarFreak101, this is every bit as insane as it is genius:

I told a small lie on a resume that then became a complicated lie.

Summer of 2004 and I had just moved to London (from the other side of the world). A large fancy department store...let’s call them Sparrods...started trading on Sundays for the first time and so needed a bunch of new staff quickly and I applied through a recruitment agency. I was 20 and I’d been working in retail since I was 15 but all the places I had previously worked at had janky sounding names like ‘Discount Readers Kiosk’ and ‘News and Gifts PLUS’ which were both like quite nice book/gift stores. My immediate bosses were lovely but also the kind of people to say, when asked for a professional reference ‘JarFreak is great at breaking down boxes and keeping shit clean’ when I had actually been an assistant manager.

So I kept most of the details the same (keep your lies close to the truth!!) but changed the names of the stores I worked at to sound ~fancier~ and made up names and numbers for my referees, working on the assumption that at a big agency they wouldn’t reference check every single applicant.

I nail the interview! I’m hired! I love my job! I’m good at it! SIX MONTHS go past and I get a phone call from the agency that they’re finally getting around to checking everyones references, and the numbers I have given them aren’t working, and I need to sort it out because they will fire me on the spot if they can’t reference check me in the next two weeks. I feign confusion and ask if I can call her back with new details tomorrow, there must be some silly international calling code issue or something....

I spend the weekend in a gross dirty internet cafe, creating multiple hotmail (!!) accounts with fake names and using Word 97 and ‘pdfmaker4u.net’ to create letterhead and make my fake referees’ fake companies seem legit. I tell the HR place that email is probably easier than trying to make an international phone call and it’s 2004, so no one thinks it’s weird these companies don’t have websites.

I then spend the next weekend at the dirty gross internet cafe writing answers to the questions the HR person sent through, giving myself multiple glowing but still believable reviews. If you thought ‘tell me about your weaknesses’ was an awkward interview question, try writing that about yourself, pretending to be your boss, in two different fake voices.

TL;DR it worked, I stayed at my job until my visa ran out and now I’m a professional identity theif and hacker*

*still working in retail.

Maybes, I wanna say we’ve all been there but maybe you and I were just bad kids:

In the 8th grade my elderly history teach died suddenly mid year (and at his desk). We had a very nice school regular sub take over. We had this huge year long project that was assigned day one and was supposed to be turned in at the very end of the year that was a large chunk of our grade. It was supposed to be this binder of political cartoons and a synopsis for each. I never did a single one. And when every single kid walked in with their binders and stacked them on the subs desk I just didn’t. A couple of days later the sub calls me aside and asks where my binder is. I knew this day was coming and had no plan for it. I guess im going to rightfully fail and my parents will be upset, ground me etc. But I just looked him dead in the eye and said “huh I turned it in”. He panicked and said he would look again. The next day, unsurprisingly to me, he informed me he never found it. I feign shock dismay the works. I tell him sincerely how hard I worked on it. He is flustered genuinely upset that he lost it. I even describe fake random cartoons I had put in it. He goes well you’re a B student what do you say I just give u a B for it. Fine by me! (A feel bad sort of).

Advertisement

I need to know how PhoebeCaulfieldTheThird’s surprise ends:

I am currently in the midst of my most complicated lie ever. It’s actually a pack of lies and I’m weaving a tangled web. I’m going to Paris soon to celebrate a milestone birthday year for my spouse and myself. I am surprising him with our kids who will meet us there. One of them we haven’t seen in a year. So plane tickets, accomodations, activities are all being booked. It’s lie upon lie to arrange the dates and places around everyone’s schedule and needs. I’ve got a lotta balls in the air. I’m afraid to even talk about our trip with him because I’m afraid I’ll slip up and say something about the kids.

Me, a pedant, yes:

Being straight

Now, let’s hear about those victories!