The Secret to the Perfect Online Dating Profile

Online dating can be fucking rough, but if you’re having a tough time, remember: It’s not you, it’s your profile. New data promises to help you do the digital version of digging a hole and covering it with leaves so you can TRAP A MAN.

Zoosk, a site I’ve never been to despite doing online dating for years, studied 4,000 members in the U.S. to find out how to build the perfect profile, so to speak. Outlets like The National Post, The Daily Mail and Business Insider picked up the data, and here’s what you need to know:

Full-body pictures are better than head shots. “Users who share full-body shots in their main photo receive 203 percent more messages than the average Zoosk user, and are 33 percent more likely to get a response to their outgoing messages.” If you want a profile no one clicks on, post a picture of your nostril. Sexay.

Dudes like photos of women taken indoors. Apparently inside is seductive, Match.com’s Kate Taylor says: “Men prefer indoor-selfies of women because they look pretty in them — the lighting is flattering and soft, and the whole mood of a home selfie is intimate and slightly private. It’s sexy!” Bonus points if you post yourself in a cave wearing a sabertooth tiger toga: Cro mag likey. Ooh, what about inside, barefoot and pregnant? How does that work? Someone report back please.

Ladies don’t like it when men post selfies. A woman named Sarah Gordon tells the Daily Mail:

In my experience, selfies on dating sites either involve the guy snapping a quick picture of himself as he loads his profile (no effort made) or stripping off in a desperate attempt to show off his buff body while trying out a moody male model look (far too much effort made).

I’d much rather see a picture of a nice smiling guy on a night out with friends or on holiday than one who has clearly spent too much time in front of a mirror in his bedroom. Have some selfie respect.

Try, but don’t try too hard, but have fun, and don’t be too hot. Got it?

Proper usage of the English language is always appreciated. I will never ever ever respond to a message that reads “Your hot” or “How r u.” USE YOUR WORDS. According to Business Insider, the hard data supports my disdain:

If you drop a “teh”, “ur”, “cuz”, “dont”, “b4”, “im”, or “u” in a message, you will be 13% less likely to get a reply. If you are a straight man, be especially wary of these shortcuts — for men, the response rate drops by 27%.

There’s more: Talk about your hobbies and interests, be upbeat and optimistic, keep it short. But the problem with this Zoosk data is that it’s all based on quantity of messages — not quality, or actual successful matches. As my shrink said when I told him I wasn’t having much luck online dating because no dudes were hollering at me: You don’t need a lot of guys contacting you, just one good one.