The Ryan Lochte Reality Show Looks AMAZING (If You Like Amphibious Sex Idiots)

By Lindy West | March 27, 2013 | 5:45pm

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Oh god, oh god, it’s finally here. Footage from the upcoming Ryan Lochte reality show, What Would Ryan Lochte Do? (premiering April 21), has arrived and I don’t know why I ever thought this shit would be boring. Some of the things Ryan Lochte would do apparently include:

– Not remember how many medals he won at the Olympics
– Yell “JEAH” while holding a comically oversized watch
– Yell “JEAH” while crouching next to a license plate that says “JEAH”
– Demonstrate the “boring” way to say “JEAH,” which is just “jeah”
– Demonstrate the cool way to say “JEAH,” which is achieved by putting the “emphatence” on the “JEE”
– Wear the worst ribbed knit ’90s hoodie-sweater
– Remind me of my ex-boyfriend to the point where I can smell his cologne
– Explain how shoes work
– Fumble this hardball question: “What is the Lochte edge?”
– Say “Lochte” over and over like it powers his iPhone or something
– Swim fast
– Have a super-genuine-and-totally-not-staged conversation with his coach about how he’s planning to go out drinking the night before the “big meet”
– Have a bunch of super-genuine-and-totally-not-staged encounters with hot ladies at the clurb the night before the “big meet”
– Do bad at the “big meet”
– Slur all the words
– Engage in bromance with his assistant
– Golf
– Live every day to the fullest
– Hold a baby like it’s a rotten burrito
– Spit gobs of mucus into his mom’s hair
– Cry about swimming
– Have amazing hair
– Refuse to give up on love
– Remind me of my friend’s five-year-old to the point where I can smell the pizza-farts
– Invent new catchphrases such as, “Don’t dooplecate, just recipitate.”
– One more “JEAH”
– One more tinier “JEAH” at the end