The Rihanna Rihport: MAN DOWN, The Handbag! Edition

Illustration for article titled The Rihanna Rihport: MAN DOWN, The Handbag! Edition

Rihanna quit Instagram in May. The Rihanna Rihport is where we try to cope.

DATELINE: Rihanna, October 15—This is serious, Rihple: the internet and gossip mags are UP in ARMS about a gun-shaped bag that our beloved Riri carried while "stepping out" recently! The Media is accusing Rihanna of igniting CONTROVERSY by going to the fancy Santa Monica restaurant Giorgio Baldi while also holding not one, but two purses about guns, both made by Saint Laurent. But all Rihanna is trying to do is have a $22 risotto with her brother, not hurt anyone! If Rihanna is committing any crime, it is the crime of being too stylish for the gossip rags!

Illustration for article titled The Rihanna Rihport: MAN DOWN, The Handbag! Edition

Rum pum pum pum pum pum pum pum pum look at these stylish handbags!

IN OTHER IMPORTANT RIHANNA STYLE NEWS! Last week, Queen of di Badgyals traveled to Miami. ( To record, perhaps? We can only hope!) As she walked through the Miami airport, accompanied by only her bodyguard and looking divine, as though she was floating across the floor like an angel, her black dress, motorcycle jacket, high ponytail, and beautiful baby face reminded us of another Pop Star on High, and that pop star is JANET! Can't you see it? Just a little? Oh, what we would do for a collabo!

Illustration for article titled The Rihanna Rihport: MAN DOWN, The Handbag! Edition

Ms. Fenty if you're nasty!

Important question: does Riri have to take off her shoes to go through airport security, too? Do they make her go into one of those full-body x-ray booths and be scanned for contraband? UGH GOD the thought of any type of radiation going into Rihanna's beautiful lungs or harming her vocal cords, or weird airport bacteria going onto her feet makes us PHYSICALLY ILL. We don't know what those x-ray machines can do to you, the world hasn't had them that long! What if they could do something bad and unforeseen to her voice? UGH TSA, you have got to let Rihanna on the plane without that type of screening! She's Rihanna! As we said before, she doesn't hurt anyone, all she does is help people with her beautiful music and dancing!

SPEAKING of that music: it seems like Rihanna is getting closer and closer to releasing her eighth album (HOPING!!!!!!), as she keeps posting Twitter "Hints" at new music, like this one on October 8. And just a few days ago, on October 12, Riri posted a photo of a really fancy bottle of wine, saying she was on her "O. Pope" shit—and Scandal wasn't even on that day!! Could she have been celebrating something?! HOPINNNNGGGGG!!!!!!!

It's at this point where we have to get a little bit somber, because something has happened that reminds us of how hard it must be to be Rihanna, day in and day out. A new report states that Mel C, the former Spice Girl, has forbidden her daughter from watching any videos by the glorious Ri, because Mel C thinks that Ri is too "overtly sexual," and that the Spice Girls "weren't interested in pleasing men and made music that sent a positive image to girls and women." We know Ri would be like


if she read that statement, since she is really all about "Fuck The Haters" because she is a strong woman. But we are Navy 4 Life, so pardon us while we use our outdoor voice to respond to this one. WHAT have the SPICE Girls done for us LATELY? FURTHER! Rihanna is NOT trying to please men, she is only trying to please HERSELF, and therefore you, "Mel C," are TRIPPING, because a girl pleasing HERSELF is the MOST positive role model for girls, way more than just going around doing HIGH KICKS in SKETCHERS and PLEATHER SWEATPANTS!


HARUMPH! But it's okay, though, we can't hold a grudge. We'll just do exactly what Most Highest Rihanna would tell us to do: Keep. It. Moving.


This has been the Rih Rihport.

Images via Pacific Coast News.



To say that the Rihport is the some of the best journalism of our decade would be a gross understatement.