The Results of This Global Scrotal Beauty Pageant Are Terrible and Glorious

Illustration for article titled The Results of This Global Scrotal Beauty Pageant Are Terrible and Glorious

Click this link if you want to see some very NSFW photos of balls from all over the world!


The pictures feature a variety of scrotum, all submitted to the Autoblow Balls Beauty Contest. Some are big and some are small. Some are symmetrical and some are uneven. Some are put in fancy and extravagant displays and others are featured in more simple and classy settings—like the George Clooney of balls.

The contest, organized by the manufacturer of a blowjob-simulating sex toy called the Autoblow 2 (as opposed to the Autoblow 1), ran from November to December 2015. Autoblow 2 previously hosted a similar contest for vulvas and faced accusations of sexism. Now, they are leveling the playing field and—cursèd feminism—we will never be the same because of it.

Entrants to the Autoblow Balls Beauty Contest were asked to submit a photo where their balls were visible, but their penises were fully covered (so as not to sway voting). The scrotums were then voted on by the public.

“The three winners, two Americans and one Australian with unusually large scrotums, ranked significantly higher than their competitors, averaging approximately six out of 10 stars compared with all entrants who averaged only 3.4 out 10,” reports adult industry website XBIZ.

The champions will be rewarded $10,000 and have their “scrotums 3D scanned and turned into items of home décor.”

Using the data from the voting, Autoblow 2 inventor Brian Sloan released the Balls Paper (I’ll link again for your convenience), the eagerly awaited follow up to 2015's Vulva Paper. The Balls Paper analyzes over 1,000 scrotum from 35 countries and found that balls...are weird.

Voters did not find any of the 6 classes to be more visually appealing than another; the data showed that voters found all scrotum styles equally unappealing. All 6 classes of scrotums received average scores ranging from 3.35 to 3.6 out of 10 compared with 4.3 to 5.3 out of 10 for vulvas.


“I am saddened that the data showed no statistically significant preferred class of scrotum,” says Sloan. “Given the scrotum’s important biological function of holding and protecting the life-giving testicles, I figured the public saw beauty in it, but never discussed it, preferring perhaps to talk about the penis instead. Now I know why the scrotum has always lived in the shadows: because people think it’s ugly.”

Poor balls.

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Image via Shutterstock.



I still don’t understand how guys walk around all day with stuff clanging around between their legs.