The Phoenix Presents The "100 Unsexiest Men", We Beg To Differ

The Boston Phoenix recently unveiled the “100 Unsexiest Men,” a list that “holds men accountable for their rampantly unsexy ways.” And now we’re going to hold the Phoenix accountable for a few of their choices.

The Phoenix’s list is a bit random (it reads like it was written by a slightly bitter 35 year old man) : everyone from Robert Pattinson to Bernie Madoff to the top spot, Rush Limbaugh, is included. And while the arguments for general douchiness, obnoxiousness, and skeeviness make some of their selections make sense, there are a few choices that we just can’t get behind.

Patton Oswalt: The Phoenix argues that Patton Oswalt is funny, but fat. “Would it be unsporting to wonder if this schlub has partaken in a few too many of those KFC entrées that he derides as “failure piles in sadness bowls”?, the Phoenix asks. Uh, yes, it would. Patton Oswalt is hilarious. And smart, and adorable. And frankly, we’d rather go on a date with Patton (though we can’t- he’s married) than on a date with the type of person who makes fucking KFC jokes about someone else’s body and deems them “unsexy.” Whatever.

Russell Brand: The Phoenix notes that Brand has “a head that looks like an extravagantly groomed vagina.” And then the paper deems him “unsexy.” We’ll remember that the next time a men’s magazine bitches about women not having extravagantly groomed vaginas.

Joaquin Phoenix: I can not be the only one out there who has a ridiculously inappropriate crush on the batshit crazy version of Joaquin Phoenix. I just can’t be. Especially with the likelihood of this “rap career” all being an elaborate Kaufman-esque stunt.

Pete Wentz: Now look, I am not a Pete Wentz fan. But I’m also not a fan of this: “If the Fall Out Boy-toy was nailing the hot Simpson sister, we might want to hear about his sexcapades. But he’s married to the busted one, so we’ve had enough, homey.” Have you, homey? Is that right, bro? Is that brotally awesome, bro?

Herein lies the problem with a list like this: if the title were “100 Unsexiest Women” we’d all be flipping our shit, no doubt. But the same ridiculous sexist horrible language is applied here: the men are ridiculed for being too fat, beady-eyed, dirty, etc. The list is, for the most part, relatively unfunny and obvious: Bernie Madoff is a dick! So is Rush Limbaugh! John Mayer is fucking annoying! So is that American Idol kid! For every take down of someone’s persona, there are the fillers; men who were seemingly chosen to round out the top 100 (I mean, Hammer? In 2009? Really!?!), and who take the hits regarding their bodies.

The list desperately wants to be a Top 100 Assholes Who We Do Not Like list, but the “unsexy” factor is thrown in to make things seem a bit cheekier, and it kind of fails, mostly because a good portion of the men selected have never made a living off of their “sexiness”, making the list just as obnoxious and irritating as those lists of “hot female politicians” and the like.

People used to ask us: “Hey, why not do an ‘Unsexiest Women’ list?” Our answer has always been: “Unsexiest Men” is funny; “Unsexiest Women” is just mean,” the Phoenix notes. I think it might be time to change your answer, guys.