The New and Improved How to Get a Guy to Marry You

Look, times have changed, k ladiez? It’s no longer enough to simply meet a guy, date him, fall in love, determine if you share the same general values and have a proven ability to weather conflict until you both arrive at the idea that marriage is a solid idea. The bar has been raised, and in order to help a man see that he must be with you 4life, you’ll need new, innovative methods. Basically, all you need is an experimental approach involving a number + concept where you do something for a while, and BINGO. Married.

Lose Him in 10 Days First

Don’t know what you got ’til it’s gone, amirite? Yes, you remember that Kate Hudson/Matthew McConaughey movie (for the first time in my life I spelled his name correctly on the first try, swear to Google) where in order to get the guy she had to drive him away first, all based on a competition to prove a point, but that point was really love? I think one thing you can do to get a guy to really want you 4 keeps is to smother him with attention and neediness and clinginess for exactly a week and a half until he dumps you. But it’s ok because the real you is going to slip out anyway, and he’ll notice! And then he’ll be like, fuck her, she’s crazy. But then later, he’ll think about the slip-out you. A lot. And I think you will probably get back together.

16 Handjobs to Love

It’s true: I think handjobs are the funniest thing ever. I don’t want to get one and I don’t want to give one, unless we’re doing it to laugh and get really tired hands. But in spite of my own biases, I sense the general population doesn’t share my hang-up (hand-up? lulz). Therefore I propose that after 16 magnificently delivered handjobs, there is no guy out there who doesn’t want to marry you now. Because you did something most women only do once but 15 more times, and without any laughing.

Be the Perfect Girlfriend for 365 Days

I think another really good idea to get a guy is to be the most perfect version of yourself for so long that you don’t even remember what you are actually like. Probably somewhere around day 48 you’ll be all, do I even get periods? Do I even eat? Yes, he’ll eventually suspect something … that you’re the greatest catch in the world!

The Night of the Badger

Sometimes you just have to ask for what you want. A bunch. All in one night. Over and over and over again until the police need to be called or blood sugar levels must be monitored medically. Try it.

Four Huge Fights, 491 Text Messages, Two Affairs, and One Really Fucking Good Chili Dog

This sounds like a pretty normal relationship that ends in marriage. EXCEPT THERE’S A CHILI DOG.

Cupcake a Day

This was my friend’s idea. But it was a good one. I mean, it’s a cupcake. Every day.

The Engagement Chicken

Apparently you can roast a chicken just so and have a man weeping down the altar of gastrointestinal delight. I say take that chicken and fill it with his ex’s panties, and one eye of newt + toe of frog. Just to show him you’re ready to move on together.

Murder Everyone He Knows

Who’s left? You are!

Six Massages, Three Afternoons Alone and a Meatloaf

This might sound a helluva lot like your mother’s path to a proposal, but she definitely never left him alone and the meatloaf wasn’t organic.

Fake Three Terminal Illnesses

I don’t think a man will fall for just one fake illness anymore as a means to getting hitched — they’re onto us at this point. But by the third time you’ve had ovarian cancer and survived it, he’s going to start noticing that a certain someone might make a very resilient addition to the household.

The Hot, Mute Wife

This is the one where you don’t say anything. At all. About anything. Ever. But he’ll get the hint, all right. Just you wait until he doesn’t hear you saying anything.

Create Flawless Romantic Moment, Insert Guy

When you do it your way, it’s done right! Create the perfect romantic evening you’ve always wanted from your guy, then plop him in and hope he moves his head, mouth and arms correctly to give you the moment you’ve been dreaming of since birth. What could possibly go wrong?

Secretly Become Mysterious Woman From Past Era

Pick a woman from an era when women were extremely mysterious and desirable as a general rule. Then try to recreate that lifestyle, outlook, and demeanor in your every day actions without tipping your hat. You probably want to pick a really sweet, pretty type of a woman and not, like, a murderer. Ilsa Lund, not Ilse Koch.

The Blowjob Maneuver

This is not one for amateurs. It takes a lot of practice, and an astute sense of judgment about when to execute it. It’s really not something I should be putting out there, because it’s an age-old get-him-to-marry-you secret and I’m a bit concerned about how it could be used by someone with a more nefarious agenda than ours. We don’t want to hurt anyone, we just want to trick someone who hasn’t expressed a firm desire to be with us to make him think he has to, or else. But OK, here goes: Whenever he’s really busy and has to go somewhere or do something, and it’s pretty important, and he really needs to get somewhere, just give him a blowjob. Like, a really good one. Really put your back into it. Thank me later.