The National Women’s Soccer League Is Back to Remind You Women Are Simply Better at Soccer

In the immortal words of Emma Roberts, “Surprise, bitch.” The National Women’s Soccer League is back with new kits, new players, and new rules (because we are still in the middle of a pandemic, in case anyone forgot). The festivities began this Saturday with league rivals the North Carolina Courage and the Portland Thorns in Utah, the state where all the women soccer players have been banished because Florida was already taken. The second game of the day was between the Chicago Red Stars and the Washington Spirit.

Both games started on a sober note, with teams kneeling in commemoration and remembrance of those lost to police violence. Players on both teams also wore Black Lives Matter shirts over their jerseys during the national anthem.

Although the kneeling was a little less organized during the second game.

After the show of unity, it was business as usual with the Courage playing their usual aggressive game against the Thorns. Jalene Hinkle of the Courage chose to be an absolute show off and play one-legged soccer.

Simone Charley of the Thorns saw this move and thought, Oh, you still need a leg to play? Shame. Look ma, no feet.

The Courage would go on to win their match 2-1 and once the sun went down in blazing hot Utah, the Spirit and the Red Stars took to the field in an equally aggressive match. No one told Aubrey Bledsoe that curb-stomping the goalkeeper is an illegal move.

The Spirit also won their game 2-1 against the Red Stars thanks in part to the fastest woman on an American pitch, Rose Lavelle, who was not there to fuck around.