The Moon Does Not Want You in Her Crack

Image via Getty.
Image via Getty.

Man’s dream of invading every sacred space and setting up a polluting colony is that much closer to fruition on Earth’s signature satellite, the blessed moon.


The Guardian reports that scientists at the Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency have discovered a cave on the moon, and it looks like it could be a pretty sweet hidey-hole for astronauts to jam all their instruments, supplies, porno mags, and other random crap while they tramp all over the moon’s surface with their big stupid feet.

The chasm, 50km (31 miles) long and 100 metres wide, appears to be structurally sound and its rocks may contain ice or water deposits that could be turned into fuel, according to data sent back by the orbiter, nicknamed Kaguya after the moon princess in a Japanese fairytale.


You’re making a fairytale moon princess do all the work of exploring the moon itself? Then exposing those secrets? That is so messed up! The moon does not want us. Her surface is inhospitable to human life for a reason. Take the hint.

Unfortunately, no country on earth with a competitive space program is able to pick up what the moon is putting down. China, Russia, Japan, the US—all want to crouch in her “lava tubes” and start their own colony. The tubes were created by volcanic activity more than three billion years ago, and could theoretically offer stable thermal conditions and protection from ultraviolet rays. With confirmation of their existence and placement, Japan has created a new race to get into one of the moon’s crevices and hunker down.

If she managed to hide the crack in her surface for 3 billion years, what exactly makes you think the moon wants you in there?

Contributing Writer, writing my first book for the Dial Press called The Lonely Hunter, follow me on Twitter @alutkin

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Who is President on the moon? *packs bags*