The Masculine Urge to Self-Destruct on National Television

The Bachelorette Season 18’s Martin Gelbspan has been something of a Problem since Day 1 — initially just because of his whole frosted tips and cut-off flannel situation — but then he had to open his mouth, too. Ah, there’s nothing more familiar to Bachelor Nation than the masculine urge to self-destruct on national television!

While trying to woo Michelle on Monday night’s episode, Martin engaged in a game of Fuckboy Bingo with himself. He really hit all the spots: “Girls are high maintenance,” “you’re not like other girls,” etc.

It all started innocently enough at the cocktail party toward the end of the episode, which had mostly played out as a series of romantic montages of Michelle galavanting across Minneapolis on one-on-ones with her two obvious front-runners, who are notably not Martin. When Martin confronts Michelle about giving him the same compliments she seems to give most of the other contestants, she asks him directly if he thought she’d be the type to “blow smoke up your ass.”

Martin then backs off, but subsequently manages to somehow step even deeper into it. He tells Michelle he hopes to share even more romantic moments with her, to which Michelle responds, “I’m not too hard to please.” Instead of saying literally anything else, Martin, who notably hails from Miami, shoots back, “That’s the thing about girls in Miami — veeery high maintenance.”

The look Michelle then gives him can be aptly summed up by this tweet:

Admirably enough, our Bachelorette finds the will to continue speaking to him, prodding, “What makes a female high-maintenance, versus what makes a male high-maintenance?” Martin pauses, supposedly to think for a moment, only to spew up some sexist word vomit stripped from the page of a Jordan Peterson book: “Because usually a man doesn’t go into a relationship saying, ‘Hey, you’re gonna take care of me,’” he says.

Michelle then speaks for all of us by simply laughing in his face, instead of dignifying the Incel Lite rant to which she and all of America were for some reason subjected. I guess this wasn’t the reaction Martin expected, because he follows up with, “Is that wrong? A man shouldn’t, and I don’t think a woman should.” Well sure, Martin, but you literally just said women but not men go into relationships asking to “be taken care of,” so don’t act like you’re making this about equality somehow.

Finally, he sticks the fuckboy landing by looking Michelle in the eye and telling her, “That’s why I decided to come on the show. Because I know you’re different.” Really, Martin? The “you’re not like other girls” line?? Unironically?? In the Year of Our Lord 2021??

Cue the [tense music] as Michelle looks at him intensely but expressionlessly, marking the end of the conversation. In an interview, Martin later expresses concern that Michelle hadn’t “necessarily understood what I meant to say.” Where have we heard that line from before?? Ah, right, from every man who’s ever said and done something terrible, only to somehow make his gaffe about your comprehension abilities. Classic!

Martin somehow snags a rose in the final moments of the episode, most likely because Bach producers sense he has some real potential to self-destruct into a viral inferno of drama and internet controversy. So, here’s to seeing whatever Fuckboy Bingo squares he inevitably manages to hit next week!