The Least Likely Royal Baby Names

There’s been a lot of unnecessary chatter about the name of the Royal Baby — so much chatter, in fact, that the media has devoted countless segments to it and bookies across the UK are taking bets on what name the royals could possibly choose. Put your money on the right name and it could mean winning mad money or — as I pretend they say in England — poppin’ pounds.

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If the royal progeny is born a girl, odds are currently favoring the name Alexandra. According to royal expert Richard Fitzwilliams, “Alexandra will be a way of paying tribute to Edward VIII’s long suffering wife.” Cool? Diana, on the other hand, is an unlikely choice because, while Prince William “is devoted to the memory of his mother,” using Princess Diana as a namesake would cause “controversy.”

In the royal baby is born with a royal penis, Edward is an unlikely choice for a name because Edward VIII still “has not been forgiven” for that time in 1936 when he abdicated the throne and the O.G. Edward — Edward I — was a real asshole, as we all know from the movie Braveheart. George — in honor of George VI — is the current frontrunner.

Whether we’re talking Alexandra or Edward or Victoria or George, all of these baby names have distinctly British royal flair to them, which is to say they are also very very boring. What’s more exciting, maybe, are the least likely names for the Royal Baby, a list that we’ve compiled using no statistical evidence whatsoever.

Here are the odds for the least likely baby names. (Alternate list title: What William and Kate SHOULD name their baby.)

GIRL NAMES:

Kimye (1,000,000/1*)

Reagan (682,000/1)

Juice Box (680,250/1)

Peggy Olson (555,555/1)

Bella Twilight (432,987/1)

Felicity Merriman: An American Girl (315,213/1)

Madison (274,000/1)

Outback Steakhouse (165,258/1)

Vicky — after the 2008 Woody Allen film Vicky Cristina Barcelona and not Queen Victoria (85,349/1)

Baby Spice (10/1)

BOY NAMES:

Ethan (no fucking way/1)

FRANCE RULES, ENGLAND DROOLS (only if Prince William loses the joust to France)

Cousin Matthew (749,256/1)

Mason (658,025/1)

Braveheart from Braveheart (599,265/1)

Aiden (547,965/1)

Jayden (489,989/1)

Grayson (392,225/1)

Brayden (300,156/1)

Kimye (257/1)

*I don’t know how odds work.

Image via Ronald Sumners/Shutterstock.