The Guy Named for Multiple Dead Confederate Losers Wants his Senate Seat Back

Illustration for article titled The Guy Named for Multiple Dead Confederate Losers Wants his Senate Seat Back
Photo: Chip Somodevilla (Getty Images)

After a brief hiatus as President Donald Trump’s punching bag slash Attorney General, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III would like his Senate seat back. But he doesn’t want Trump to think he’s forgotten his time as a beloved door mat.


In his statement announcing his entry into the Alabama Senate race, Sessions first praised the president. “When I left President Trump’s cabinet, did I write a tell all book? No. Did I go on CNN and attack the President? No. Have I said a cross word about President Trump? No,” Sessions said in a statement.

Then he took a shot at the whistleblower by saying writing such a book would be “dishonorable” — you know, the highest of insults after holding an “L” up to your forehead in 7th grade.

Trump has called Sessions his “biggest mistake” and “a total joke” so it tracks that a bootlicker like Sessions would be invoking the man who continually insults him when he’s applying for a new job. It might also have something to do with the fact that Trump won Alabama by nearly 28 points. Despite the victory of Sen. Doug Jones in 2017 after a special election to fill Sessions’ seat, the seat has historically been Republican: Sessions held the seat for 20 years. (Although, the victory was probably helped that Republican candidate Roy Moore was dogged by repeated claims that Moore made sexual advances on teenagers.)

Here’s the rest of Sessions’ ass-kissing statement:

“I was there to serve his agenda, not mine. Second, the President is doing a great job for America and Alabama, and he has my strong support.

“As everyone knows, President Trump and I have had our ups and downs. But here’s the important part: the President is doing great work for America.

“When President Trump took on Washington, only one Senator out of a hundred had the courage to stand with him: me. I was the first to support President Trump. I was his strongest advocate. I still am. We must make America great again.

“Our freedoms have never been under attack like they are today. We have major party candidates for President campaigning on socialism, confiscating firearms, and closing down churches they disagree with. I’ve battled these forces my entire life, and I’m not about to surrender now. Let’s go!”



In a primary race between a blatant racist and a child molester, which way will Alabama go?