​The Golden Age of Goop Conspiracy Theories Is Upon Us

Illustration for article titled ​The Golden Age of Goop Conspiracy Theories Is Upon Us

Did you know that Gwyneth Paltrow is actually the one personally feeding the gossip machine rumors of Chris Martin's infidelity? Or that Paltrow and an intimate group of lifestyle elite are actually plotting the downfall of all media publications? Or that High Priestess Gwyneth Paltrow's ascension into Consciously Uncoupled-hood shall usher in a new age Goopocracy as per the New World Order?

Jesus, fuck friends. We all love a hot Gwyneth Paltrow hate-read session, but we probably impose more Goop on the news cycle than necessary, upsetting the delicate Goopy balance. Radar Online (I know) has eXcLuSiVeLy reported that the recent allegations of Chris Martin cheating on Gwenyth is really the work of Interpol-blacklisted criminal mastermind…Gwyneth Paltrow:

"Chris now believes that Gwyneth is leaking rumors about his alleged trysts in an effort to sully his image and make him look less sympathetic," the source told Radar. "Gwyn is so angry that she's threatening to turn the divorce ugly, saying she's going to squeeze spousal support out of Chris, despite her multi-million dollar fortune."

"…Friends of the of the couple point to a major double standard, with Gwyneth having pushed for open marriage so she could pursue other men, but demanding absolute fidelity from Chris," the source told Radar. "Chris is telling friends that Gwyneth was so self-involved that she believed she was more evolved than Chris and that she could better emotionally handle juggling out of marriage relationships with other men."


Listen, folks. You got it all wrong. Nobody appreciates a good Goop conspiracy more than me, but honestly you don't need to make up ridiculous shit about the Goop. The brilliance of Gwyneth is that she is already an oasis of over the top, out of touch classist absurdity. Simply have patience, be one with the Goop, and the ridiculous shit will most certainly manifest on its own. If you have faith in the Goop, the Goop shall reward you with a cornucopia of headlines from savage, bloody magazine feuds to Maseratis bio-fueled by a special hibiscus-infused organic kale coconut paté.

But until we can fully align our zen-dom with that of the Supreme Goop Chancellor, we may as well sit back and enjoy the barrage of garish and out-of-character headlines with a grain of hand-pressed Himalayan rock salt.

Image via AP.

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I heard she hates puppies and doesn't believe in Santa Claus.