The Florida Psychic that Lindsay Lohan Allegedly Punched Is 'Aggravated, Swollen,' and in Hiding

By Lindy West  |  November 30, 2012 | 1:50am
CelebritiesDirt Bag

Ohhhhhh, I love this headline so much: “Lindsay Lohan‘s Alleged Victim Is ‘Aggravated,’ ‘Swollen,’ Doesn’t Want to Leave the House.” It reminds me of when Master and Commander came out and some magazine ran a picture of Russell Crowe with the caption, “Masterful, commanding.” Your CAPTION is masterful and commanding, forgotten magazine!!! I don’t know why, but I still think about that caption all the time. And “Lindsay Lohan’s Alleged Victim is Aggravated, Swollen” is almost as satisfying. Pithy, delightful. (Except for the aggravation and the swelling, of course. Get well soon, alleged Lohan victim.)

“We don’t even want to leave the house at this moment,” Mitchell’s husband, Wayne Stevens, told ABC News through the intercom of his New York apartment on Thursday.
“She’s all swollen,” he said of his wife, who runs a chain of psychic reading salons in Florida. “Her cheek is swollen … She’s pretty aggravated”
Stevens said he couldn’t make sense of the fight that led to Lohan’s alleged swipe at his 28-year-old wife. “It kind of just escalated because someone else had a brawl,” he said. During the fight, he said Lohan “went and pushed my wife pretty hard.”

Meanwhile, Lohan is on the outs with her assistant, Gavin Doyle:

A video of Lohan leaving the precinct that’s posted on YouTube shows Doyle getting out of the car moments after Lohan gets in. Lohan screams, “Gavin, get out of the car! Get him out of the car! Get him out of the car, now!” As Doyle leaves, he says, “OK. Never speak to me again.”
Thursday afternoon, he tweeted, “@lindsaylohan after bailing you out last night I HOPE and PRAY you get the help you so desperately need. We are ALL rooting for you. xxx”

My brain can’t make any more Lohan words. As usual, in these situations, I turn to my friend and mentor, Dr. Carl “Liney” Linemouth, PhD: :>| [ABC]

According to an autopsy report, former Sons of Anarchy actor Johnny Lewis did not have drugs or medication in his system on the day he apparently murdered his landlady, Catherine Davis.

Toxicology results on Johnny Lewis found no traces of cocaine, alcohol, marijuana or any other types of drugs in the actor’s system. Officials checked for anti-psychotic drugs as well as psychedelic drugs.
An autopsy report noted that Lewis had nail marks on both sides of his neck when he died and had suffered partial strangulation. His death was ruled accidental because there was no evidence he attempted to kill himself or had been pushed.

Lest we spend too much time on the perpetrator and not enough on the victim, if you haven’t read Taylor Negron‘s heartbreaking eulogy for Davis you should do it now. [Yahoo!]

Former CSI: Miami Regular star Gary Dourdan pleads no contest to felony battery charges stemming from a fight with his girlfriend in late 2011. He’ll avoid jail time, but will have to complete 52 weeks of domestic violence counseling. This brings me to a conversation I had with my boyfriend’s 11-year-old daughter last weekend:

Her: Do you think my dad’s handsome?
Me: Of course. Why?
Her: I don’t get it.
Me: Well, you’re 11. You’re not supposed to think adult men are handsome. It’d be creepy.
Her: Yeah, I guess…except for the cop on CSI: Miami. He’s HOT.

I’m kind of sad she didn’t mean David Caruso. [E!]