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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

The Era of 'Practical' Bikinis Is Over

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Image for article titled The Era of 'Practical' Bikinis Is Over
Screenshot: Instagram

Once, in the dark ages, humans donned cloth and polyester strips for our brief excursions into the realms of water. Though hardly “protective,” these scant coverings provided some semblance of puritanical modesty in a crowd. But that was then. Now, those meager strips of woven fiber have transcended their design into something else entirely. Now, they are glorious.

On Instagram, Lizzo wore a “bikini,” although it could only be called that in name, and not really in practical use. The thing was, by the looks of it, an acrylic or polyester fur, but could also have a cotton base for all I know. It was vibrant, in pinks and blacks and blues, with a lining that depicted regal cats on a pink satin-ish fabric. Incredible! More bikinis like this please.

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Of course, the obvious flaw wiith a faux-fur bikini is its impracticality near fluids of any sort, especially water. Look at this big, beautiful pool! It was left abandoned, while Lizzo lounged nearby, bedecked in total luxury.

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Still, though. Water-resistant fabrics and durable materials seem so dated. Why would anyone mess up their makeup or hair by drenching themselves in chlorine? (Salt, maybe, if they’re rich.) Nobody needs water! That’s what Instagram is for. All I need to do is look at a pool to feel that particular urge satisfied.

Impractical bikinis are the future. Water? Who needs it!