The Dumbest Thing on Your Bucket List

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Screenshot: Warner Brothers

Say what you will about them, but I find bucket lists to be a really romantic concept. There’s something to be said about living life without fear or consequence (insofar as you don’t harm yourself or anyone else); it just sounds dope as hell. I imagine mine would consist of endless travel until I run out of money, or die, which sounds like a good life to me. But I’ve noticed (a.k.a, saw on Pinterest,) that silly, inconsequential, borderline dumb aspirations make for good bucket list ideas, too, and I want to hear yours—if you’ve had one for years or just came up with it now, while reading this blog.


Everyone wants to go to the airport and hop on a random flight, but have you ever wanted to try street luge? Birth a calf? Walk through a drive-thru? Puke where Harry Styles puked on the side of the 101 in Calabasas, California after a night of partying (and a day of hiking) in 2014?

That’s the kind of stuff I wanna hear, and the kind of stuff that will make you victorious in this game we call Pissing Contest.

First, it’s time for last week’s winners: a collection of harmless lies your family told you.

botticellilove, I love this, because it is insane:

Okay, mine is lame (I have a birthday the day before a holiday and they told me the holiday was everyone celebrating me), but my mom’s is hilarious.

She’s the youngest of 5 sisters, who told my mom that rainbows weren’t real. Same as unicorns, mermaids, etc. Somehow, my mom went 30-something YEARS not seeing/registering a rainbow. When my little sister or I would come home and tell her about rainbows we saw? She’d apparently pat us on the head and admire our cute imaginations. Then, when I was about 12, I was on the front porch and called her to come look at the rainbow across the street. I had *no idea* she’d thought they were imaginary, and could not understand why she looked like she’d seen a ghost. It was amazing.

I heart Westies, in addition to your affinity for the best dog breed there is, I also love this and am absolutely going to share it with children:

When I was seven or eight, my dad told me cows that live in the mountains hadlonger legs on one side of their body so they were able to stand on the slopes. Regular cows would fall over in the mountains. I totally believed this. The next school year we studied adaptive behaviors in animals like those fish in subterranean lakes that don’t have eyes. So I piped up in front of the whole class and volunteered my knowledge of mountain cows. Dead silence from the teacher. Then she struggled to contain her laughter as she gently informed me that all cows had the same length legs no matter where they lived. My mom was not happy when she heard that story at the next parent-teacher conference. Dad thought it was hilarious and laughed about it the rest of his life. I think it’s funny now, but I was extremely embarrassed at the time.


ScienceItUp, this truly speaks to Republican logic:

In middle school, my younger sister was in a rebellion phase and told my very liberal parents she was going to become a republican. Without missing a beat, my mom looked her in the eyes and told her that she couldn’t because they had put Democrat on her birth certificate. All the rest of us agreed that it was true, so she deflated a bit and looked for rebellion elsewhere. She only found out that birth certificates don’t list political affiliation when she was a junior in high school and had to get her birth certificate out for college applications.


MargaretMoony, I need to know if you went through a goth phase after this:

I read Bunnicula as a child and was really taken by it. So, my parents decided to honor this love by telling me that the Easter Bunny was a vampire.

I didn’t believe them until Easter morning where the carrot I put out was white (it was a parsnip). My parents had me “stake” it with a toothpick. After that I put out tiny cans of V8.

It’s great that my parents fostered my interest in the supernatural but they’re so weird, y’all.


many bells down, now with .1% more pig, this is a good lie:

I was born with a heart defect that required surgery at a young age. So like most heart patients, my parents were told to limit my sodium intake*. Problem was, I fucking loved salt and would probably have eaten a handful of it if I were allowed.

So my parents gave me my own “special salt shaker.” I could have as much as I liked.

It was empty. If I complained I couldn’t see the salt, my dad just told me that was because salt crystals are clear.

(*Ironically, I have really low blood pressure and my current cardiologist has actually told me to eat MORE salt, which he says he’s never told a patient before in 40 years of practice


WeezerLouDeux, your mom’s really just know:

My mom told me if I walked barefoot outside even for a moment I’d get worms. I was 7 the first time I went barefoot. I don’t remember why, only that it was so urgent (to a 7 year old, not anything serious) I ran out the door and made it 30 feet before I stepped on the bottom of a broken coke bottle and severed my toe! It was reattached but it won’t bend. Moms reaction? “I told you so!”she loooved telling people how I never listened to her and had to learn everything the hard way and think I’m a know it all. She never told people why I wasn’t supposed to go barefoot and eventually fully believed that she told me I’d cut my toe off. The last time we spoke she brought it up bc her psychic had told her she had “the gift” and I’d never respect her abilities. That part was right!


Damone’s Five-Point Plan, your family wasn’t exactly wrong, you know?

That the ice cream truck was the “music truck” that played music to make people happy. This was when I was two or three and couldn’t just wander about by myself, but before long the truth came out. I was quite hyper as a kid and they didn’t want me having unnecessary sugar.


rainbowkittendust’s, yours was:

I also have an ice-cream truck story. But, my mom told us the ice cream truck was actually the baby maker (where babies come from) and it was coming around to pick up the children who’s parents didn’t want them anymore and if we got too close they might take us too. We RAN from the ice-cream truck for YEARS.

She also told my brother that my grandfather invented Little Debbie’s but he called them Little Suzie’s. My brother wrote an entire essay on this in first grade and the teacher had to confront her like, what? She also told me my dad helped name Hallmark, but the original name was Hallmatthew. Believed this one for years too. We were gullible.


Let’s hear those bucket list items. As always, feel free to get as zany as you’d like. I reward freaks.


Assistant Undersecretary of Only Okay

I’m sure I’ll think of more but we’ll start with this one:

I’ve always wanted to work at a job where there is a similar rival business in the same town that we compete with in a yearly sports grudge match. It’s such a common trope in movies and TV! I don’t even care what the competition would be, bowling, softball, karaoke, team DDR battle... I don’t even care if I know I’ll lose going in! I bring it up whenever I start a new job that has a clear rival business but I can never get more than one other person on board.

I've also wanted to be able to say "these hot cakes are selling like hot cakes!" in a literal context. I am a huge dork.