Things were going pretty good for you, weren't they? You were just living your modest little pleasurable life, handing out solo blowjobs as much as possible, content in the fact that you were pretty good at them, and that they were going how they were supposed to go — with a beginning, a middle, and an end. Some of them were even admirably slummy, at least for your neck of the woods. But then you read the Deranged Sorority Girl Cuntrepreneur Rebecca Martinson's new Vice column about her first double beej, and your face fell. Why? Why did you do that?
As you scanned the low-down and dirty 1,000 words on the ultimate non-event, "My First Double Blowjob," you pulled your trembling hand over your agape, single-blowjob giving mouth because you knew in the deepest part of your throat, way in the back, that this would never happen to you.
Unlike Martinson, you would never:
- Live on a nice street in a nice neighborhood in a nice suburb of Maryland
- With a family that's the definition of Waspy
- FYI: Definition of waspy is: A white, usually Protestant member of the American upper social class.
- Who spends their free time in high school browsing mall clearance racks at Abercrombie & Fitch
- And instead decides what the hay, I'll just have sex
- A lot of sex
- All the time
- We all will
- Even the weird kids
- Will get handies in the back of AP Calculus
- P.S.: You weren't smart enough to take AP Calc
- You don't even know what a logarithm is
- You sometimes think it's the same thing as longitude
- Or even an algorithm
- But that's dumb, huh?
- You weren't fucking everyone all the time because you wanted to fuck all the time
- That would be obvious
- You were fucking all the time because you were bored
- HUGE DIFFERENCE OK
- It was like:
- Hey, we might as well diddle each other and see who gets caught first
- Is that like Hey, diddle diddle
- No one fucked a cat though.
- Eventually, fucking got old, though, as it is wont to do because no one got caught
- Because who cares about secret fucking if teach is not even paying attench?
- Not me
- Not you
- Not the 'burbs of Maryland either
- The Pope and all the Cardinals could walk into your orgy of handies in class and no one would care
- That's America
- That's being young in America today
- Sex like that — where the Pope doesn't even care — is the definition of boring sex
- Time to spice that shit up with a venge.
- Only Pope-offending sex going forward, you vow
- Wait, no, just keep fucking regular-styles in college anyway
- It's fucking college, after all
- OK this part you know: You would date a douchebag freshman year. It's like, a rite of passage.
- Why did you do that?
- Because you're fucking stupid.
- You date down.
- You have no good excuses.
- This is when you get the bright idea that because he's a douche and you're stupid you can solve all the problems of the universe by getting your friend to blow him. Like, I guess so.
- You know, your friend KiKi, who blows guys for booze?
I told Kiki I'd give her a free bottle of Burnett's if she blew my boyfriend. A handle of Burnett's costs around $15, which was about $2.6 million to us, considering we were college freshmen who had no clue how to budget and had already spent $900 drunk-eating Papa John's in one semester. To us, cheap ass liquor was like golden liquid inside a diamond encrusted bottle. Who wouldn't suck a dick for that?
- No one would not suck a dick for that.
- Look, here's the thing: I guess I don't get why it punishes the guy to double up on him like that with another girl. Like, if the thing is, he's a douchebag, then why would you want to give a douchebag a double beej? Or ANY beejes of any persuasion. How about a no beej for douches rule?
- Maybe it's like this weird thing where you are already in the rabbit hole and you have to go even further in. Like, way deep. Like the only way out is through? I guess I've beejed my way out of a problem like anyone.
- But so anyway, do you think the douchebag lived in a nice place?
- Nah, it was a fuckin' dump.
- Poor kid lived in a triple
- I want that to be a song lyric.
- His roommate was soooo pale like Miracle Whip (That should be a song lyric too)
- Because only people with tans are good
- Is what I always say before a dub-beej
- This is a cool sentence: I wasn't going to give a double blowjob sober. Do I look like a fucking hooker?
- I don't know about things, OK? And I don't want to insult a hooker by implying she could give a double beej sober or that it's bad, because maybe either nobody can give a double beej sober or maybe we all should be able to, you know? But ostensibly a hooker can do all the sex things sober. That's why she's good at being a hooker right?
- Or maybe the thing about double blowjobs is that they are weird drunk but kind of great sober. Maybe the thing about them is that if you just open your eyes, and your heart, and your mouth to them, you'll see that they can be pretty intimate, maybe the kind of intimacy that offers a new understanding on the other side that you just can't get from going it alone. Again, that's just armchair.
- It took eight shots. For them to amass the courage to double up. Everyone, just remember: Eight shots. You'll need probably all eight of them. I wouldn't treat this like a recipe from online that you can just spitball. Don't take any chances.
- BUT THIS WOULD TOTALLY HAPPEN TO YOU: He did the pants dance, shuffled his boxers to his knees, and then suddenly: there was his dick.
- I love how it's, like, a description.
- If you were about to give a dude a double beej with your bestie, do you think you would go first? Or would you let your friend go first? I actually never thought of this until now. How would you decide? Squatters rights, that's what.
- Ergo, Rebecca Martinson went first. I think that's noteworthy. She took one for the team. She knew when it was her turn to warm up a dick. If dicks are as lazy as say, sororities during rush, and they need stiffening, I think she would know what to do with them. And she did. She went in and warmed it up like someone who has to because they are accountable. I think that makes sense.
- Oops, wait, no, that didn't happen:
Douchebag couldn't get his dick up.
I don't know how he couldn't get a boner. I distinctly recall him refraining from chugging vodka so he could get it up. I distinctly recall licking Kiki's right nipple for no reason whatsoever other than that we were both hammered and topless. I also distinctly recall Kiki giving up, because if two moderately attractive topless girls can't get you hard, what will?
- What will, indeed. That is the question.
- Rebecca Martinson wishes the story ended with a climax. I think I can speak for all of us when I say, so do we, who cares what those studies about no orgasms say.
- But perhaps the anticlimax means the trick is on us.
- A commenter says:
- Whatever happened to the passion you put in that email? Girl, this was half-baked.
- Another one said: What is this shit?
- But a smarter person said this:
- I find it funny that people would complain about the quality of an article entitled "My First Double Blowjob".Let's be honest here guys... did you click on this link for in-depth investigative reporting?Were you expecting Hemingway? You saw the words Double Blow job...and you clicked on it. Own it.
Image by Jim Cooke.