The CTFD Method Is the Greatest of All Parenting Trends

Illustration for article titled The CTFD Method Is the Greatest of All Parenting Trends

I know many people want to stay current with the latest parenting trends—attachment parenting, minimalist parenting, Tiger Mother parenting, et al. Well, I’ve stumbled upon a new technique that will guarantee your child grows up to be an exemplary student and citizen. It’s called CTFD, which stands for “Calm The Fuck Down." And that’s not a message to give your kids. It’s for you.


Using CTFD assures you that — whichever way you choose to parent — your child will be fine (as long as you don’t abuse them, of course). To see it in action, here are some sample parenting scenarios and how CTFD can be employed:

  • Worried your friend’s child has mastered the alphabet quicker than your child? Calm the fuck down.
  • Scared you’re not imparting the wisdom your child will need to survive in school and beyond? Calm the fuck down.
  • Concerned that you’re not the type of parent you thought you’d be? Calm the fuck down.
  • Upset that your child doesn’t show interest in certain areas of learning? Calm the fuck down.
  • Stressed that your child exhibits behavior in public you find embarrassing? Calm the fuck down.

Yes, using the CTFD method, you’ll find the pressure lifted and realize your child loves you no matter what, even if they’ve yet to master the alphabet. You’ll also learn that whether or not you’re the best parent in the world, as long as you love your child, they’ll think you are and that’s what matters. Plus, CTFD makes you immune to those that prey upon the fears of new parents, like pseudoscientists and parenting authors.

To use CTFD, just follow these simple steps:

  1. Calm the fuck down.
  2. There is no second step.

So, ignore all those other parenting trends and stick to CTFD. You’ll be glad you did and so will your kid.

Playwright and screenwriter David Vienna is the author of and exquisitely crafted drunken emails to his friends.


This post originally appeared on The Daddy Complex. Republished with permission.

Image via Kellie L. Folkerts/Shutterstock.


Oh man, this is so smart. No, really! When my son was born, we decided the only REALLY IMPORTANT THINGS were the following: 1) Don't EVER EVER EVER leave him alone in the bath, 2) put him on his back when he goes to sleep (until he can roll over, then it's up to him), and 3) if you're taking him somewhere in the car, you'd better have a PhD in how to use that carseat. Everything else? It will work itself out. And it wasn't a free for all; we had routines and schedules for the most part and he was a great sleeper, but we figured, other than those three really important items, it would all be fine in the long run. As he's gotten older, the specifics have changed (now it's more like he NEEDS TO KNOW how to cross the street [you'd be amazed by how many 10-yr-olds do not know how to do this] and the like) but if he has chocolate milk and Oreos for dinner at Pop's house? It's gonna be okay.