The Best Spots For Your Illicit Hookups

A woman was recently arrested for having sex in a park — she was charged with “public lewdness,” but really, haven’t we all been there?

Okay, I haven’t been there exactly (for instance, I’ve never been handcuffs). But when my parents introduced their infamous no-shutting-the-door policy, my high school boyfriend and I did take to the park for some of our (relatively innocent) makeout sessions. We were there around midnight one night when I witnessed (I think) my one and only drug deal — a car pulled up to the curb, waited, and was then joined by another car. Driver 2 got out and sat in the front seat with Driver 1, where they turned on the dome light and examined some things in the front seat while my boyfriend and I stayed perfectly still and looked on in awe. Then Driver 2 got out and both drove away, leaving us to continue our adolescent fumblings in (relative) peace. I really wanted to tell my parents that the policies they thought were protecting me were in fact plunging me into a seamy underworld of drug dealers and, in all likelihood, murderers and thieves, but I would have had to reveal that I’d been to the park at midnight and then I would have been grounded.

Luckily the park isn’t the only recourse of the teenaged, the roommated (the college one-room double is hell on many a sex life), or the adulterous. A few more spots to consider for your next illicit assignation:

Bowling alleys

Upside: If you’re fourteen, everyone you want to make out with is there anyway.

Downside: Mood killed by constant dinging noises, fooseball, and a pervasive smell of feet and floor polish. Also, I once got yelled at for making out in the bowling alley. So maybe this one isn’t such a great idea.

Parking lots

Upside: “Parking” became a euphemism for hooking up for a reason — a car is both love-nest and getaway vehicle.

Downside: As long as you use protection, the only real risk of this strategy is a cop shining his flashlight in your window like in teen movies. Hooking up in a moving car is obviously more dangerous — and as Coen bros. fans know, road head just results in flying saucers.

Libraries

Upside: College libraries often contain secluded nooks apparently made for this purpose. Fun for study breaks. Can make jokes about how no one ever goes to the Agricultural History of Seventeenth Century France section anyway.

Downside: That one guy doing his thesis on the Agricultural History of Seventeenth Century France.

Rooftops

Upside: Sexy, just like in the movies.

Downside: Scary, just like in the movies.

Dorm laundry rooms

Upside: Vibrating machines are the cliched answer here, I guess. But also: unlike the bowling alley, laundry rooms often smell kind of nice.

Downside: One to two other people usually have access to your dorm room. Everyone has access to the laundry room. Choose accordingly.

Public bathrooms

Upside: Stalls have locks. Also, potential for shower sex.

Downside: This is annoying to those who actually have to pee or wash themselves. Also, shower sex is hotter when you’re not surrounded by posters warning of foot warts.