Independent, emotionally stable men can be boring. Not only do they lead their own successful lives, they also make for terrible, drama-free relationship posts on your blog. You need a man with insecurities - the kind of guy who will shed a tear watching Titanic with you, or shed a tear watching How It's Made with you, or text you at four in the morning to let you know he’s relapsed. You know, the dreamy type that wistfully stares out of car windows and also can’t cut his own meat. But where do you find such a catch in this world of appropriately-medicated single men? Here are the seven best places to pick up emotionally vulnerable guys:
Nothing makes a man more likely to open up his heart than an actual hole in his house caused by an untimely natural disaster. That tornado might have swept away his possessions, but look what else it brought to town: love. I’m not saying that when you hear about a large-scale natural disaster you should travel directly to the area in which it’s occurring, but I’m also not not saying that. Besides, when you show up to a hot man’s house immediately before the onset of a generation-erasing hurricane, he’ll have no choice but to bring you inside and huddle next to you behind a door frame. And, as we all know, what happens behind a door frame stays behind a door frame. Next time you experience a massive flood, set up lawn chairs and watch as a parade of hot, available men float on by! It’s all about perspective!
If you’re looking for a boy-toy with mommy issues, why not go for someone who’s been freshly ripped from his mother’s womb? You know the kind of guy I mean: balding, pruny, a little fatty around the edges. Six pounds, seven ounces of pure man-candy. Real men don't hide from their feelings. That's why, when you hear the piercing cry of your new infantile lover, your unsuspecting heart will melt like an M&M in his hand. We ladies traditionally count on males to initiate, but don't be afraid to approach him with loud noises and playful slaps to attract his attention. Get creative, girl! If that's not winning over your pouty Adonis, a couple of drinks can loosen anyone up. Or - if you’re into older guys - scope out your nearest playground or preschool! Word of caution here: daycare men play dirty and will leave you in a hot second for Bloody-Nosed Cindy if you don't keep them 100% interested.
Nothing makes a man more subconsciously vulnerable than being slowly boiled in his own juices. As the hot, frothy eddies of strangers' lovemaking sessions swirl between your marinating bodies, you’ll feel his walls start to come down, and you’ll quickly realize that the two of you are destined to be together forever. Rumor has it the women of ancient Rome invented the Jacuzzi as a way to open up their men's pores AND their hearts. Besides, Hot water = Hot men. Divide both sides by hot, and you get water = men, and we all know that men are 75% water. Sexy water.
If you’re looking for an emotionally compromised man, I’d highly suggest a recovering alcoholic. Not only will your better half be overly interested in discussing his feelings, he’ll make a great designated driver! The twelve-step program is all about recovery, and if it was up to us, we’d make it a 46-step plan (nothing is sexier than a man in recovery, right, ladies?). If you’re not losing sleep wondering if he’s going to choose alcohol over you tomorrow, then you’re just not living, girl. If you like drawn-out conversations about miniscule relationship mistakes made in prior decades, forced listening, and the kind of coffee they serve in hotel conference rooms, take in an AA meeting! If you’re in the right frame of mind, it can be a pretty sensual experience. Just sit back, relax, and pick your man, knowing that (according to step #2) he’s interested in the existence of a higher power: your vagina.
Although men on jetskis might seem tough, manly, and unshakable, they’re really dealing with the deeply-seated emotions of the complex metaphor that is watersports. Will he “sink” or “float” in this great ocean of life? Will he trust in the “wakeboard” beneath him to keep him standing against waves of self-doubt? Will he “crash” and “break his face”? Besides, everyone knows that no man boards a watercraft with the intention of remaining single for the rest of his life. The very act of slinging his flippers onto a kelpy jetski screams ALL I WANT IS TO SETTLE DOWN WITH YOU. Unless his choice of watercraft is an inflatable recliner - in which case, hold onto your hat, you've got a tortured soul on your hands. Not sure exactly where to find your special skipper? Try powerboats (for dependable jar-openers), water skis (for gracile lovers), distant buoys (for extra needy boy-toys), submarines (for thrifty breathers), or the upper deck of a cruise ship (if you're into big decks).
Years of civil war have turned these hot, sweaty men into the perfect partners for deep, emotional talks with you, and all it takes to reach them is a quick, 13-hour plane flight and subsequent 7-hour drive! If you like posh neighborhoods like Chelsea or Glen Ellyn, you’ll love Mogadishu - the fashion and kidnapping capital of the east African coast! Within hours of your arrival, I can guarantee that you’ll be surrounded by men, many of whom will likely be armed. Maybe if you play your cards right, you’ll find yourself stuffed into the back of a flatbed en route to their tribal compound! If these delicious men love one thing, it’s political strife. But if they love two things, it’s political strife and taking the time to clean their outdated AK-47s. But if they love three things, it’s political strife, cleaning their aging AK-47s, and long, cathartic dialogues with the new woman of their dreams.
Between the threat of full-on, multi-species destruction via Sauron and the unmanageable void left by the departure of the elf-kind, your Middle-earth man is bound to have some attachment issues - just the issues you’ll be needing to forge a new ring of your own. Whether your guy had to watch ancient Edoras burn at the hands of Saruman’s minions, or the gates of Minas Tirith unceremoniously rammed in by Southron mercenaries, he’s definitely got a lot on his mind, and you’re just the ent-wife he’s looking to talk to about it. Tip: The Prancing Pony is always a great place to meet vagrant hotties, but frankly, it can get a little crowded with Rohanian princesses. Instead, skip the crowd and head to a grassy knoll to find yourself a lonely Ringwraith! A cheap dwarven smithy can craft you a believable ring replica for less than 20 silver pennies (a cheap price, especially for the Shire, am I right ladies?). All you need to do is find yourself a quiet hill, draw the attention of the all-seeing-eye, and you’ll be literally crawling with dark, sensual Nazgûl! There’s nothing more mysterious than a man who never shows his face. Plus, if you’re lucky, maybe you’ll catch the attention of the Witch-king of Angmar and get a romantic ride on the back of his fell-beast!
And that’s it! If you've visited all of these places and still don't have a man clinging to you like a zebra mussel to the bottom of a freighter, consider yourself an undateable hag! If not, enjoy the next few decades of romantic bliss and/or restraining orders. You deserve it!
Morgan Miller is a twenty-something writer and pre-medical student from Philadelphia, PA who gets along well with both children and other dogs.
Image by Jim Cooke.