Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

The Best Date You've Ever Been On

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Image: Fred Van Schagen/BIPs/Hulton Archive/Getty Images (Getty Images)

Welcome to March 2021, one year since the covid-19 global health crisis disrupted American life. Remember dates? I sure don’t. But I do think I’ve been on a few good ones pre-pandemic, which means Jezebel readers have probably been on a few great ones. Tell me about the best date of your life, and then maybe we can The Secret our way into a romantic future.

But first, let’s take a look at last week’s winners. This is all the disgusting food you loved to eat as a kid. Y’all are gross.

BohemianGrapes, absolutely not:

Ketchup on cooked carrots.

Ishbushka West Rides Again, that isn’t even food?:

Chalkboard chalk, when the teacher wasn’t looking. Also regular plain Tums. Both these items must be nibbled slowly with the front top teeth only. Possibly I had a calcium deficiency, although we usually had milk in the house.

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E=MC Hammmered, how:

I once chewed the same piece of gum for a week, which would be bad enough, but when I wasn’t chewing it I’d stick it to the stop sign down the street from my house, then retrieve it later.

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slowtobond, was she fucking with you?

My older sister showed my how to dip a finger in Crisco, dip it in sugar, and then eat it in one go. It was also, unfortunately, the white Crisco, which just seems worse now.

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Muqaddimah (call me Muck), I feel for your family:

Sugar packets. Every time we went to a restaurant, I would load up on sugar packets. Like, hundreds of them. I would carry them around in my pockets. At random times when I decided I felt “stressed”, I would rip one of those babies open and shoot it down like an 80s frat boy with a Jagermeister. Then I would do an “ohhhh, yeeeaahhh” like some kind of junkie I’d probably seen on TV.

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tonight, living in a fantasy... ok...:

Another comment just made me remember something. Oh god.

My brothers and I would do this weird thing with bread. Take a piece of white or potato bread right out the package. Put it in your mouth and don’t bite down. Let the bread get a little wet with saliva, move it around a little with your tongue. You might chew it a little if needed, but mostly you’re just getting it a little wet.

Now, take the wet bread out of your mouth. Use your dirty little kid hangs to form the bread into a ball. Add spit if needed. Get it nice and smooth- this is why wheat or multigrain is not a good bread for this. It will be a tight little ball, firmer than an unbaked cookie, but not harder than a baked cookie. You’ll know when it’s right. Then eat it.

I’ve never been more happy that this is anonymous.

Veit, I respect this, somehow:

Pizza with enough pepper on it that you couldn’t see the sauce, followed by ketchup. Every Friday (Pizza Day) of fifth grade. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Oh! And hot dogs with garlic. Minced garlic, from a jar. My parents would only let me do it on vacation, when normal food rules ceased to apply—this is also when I would be allowed to have sugared cereal, for instance. Because I could only do it annually, I would use a LOT of garlic. It’s a wonder anyone consented to be around me for the rest of the day, but I couldn’t smell anything.

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strangerwithcandies, help!:

I know I’ve said this before, but it’s still gross. Raw bacon. I could eat a package of raw bacon if you left me alone with it. I don’t know why, but I loved the smell. Help me.

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kiwipuff, I also did this?:

I like a cold hot dog by itself. lol. I’m trying to think of what weird food I eat/used to eat that nobody else likes. Dry Cheerios or dry Kix? Lemon slices? Chipped beef on toast? I swear there’s people out there who like it, but everyone I know except my mom thinks it’s disgusting.

My mom has like... a partially lead stomach and sometimes no taste buds. When I was a kid she’d snack on dry uncooked pasta, or a raw potato. I assume the potato came from growing up poor in Iowa in the 50s with not many snack food options. Saltines with frosting used to be their “cookie” treat. Blergh!

I don’t buy cottage cheese, and my mom didn’t buy it when I was a kid, but I do like it very occasionally from like... a breakfast buffet or something. Just a wee scoop.

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cynicalbitch, is this not... poison:

Who hasn’t eaten a little peppermint scented paste?

Tell us all about that good, good date you had that one time in the comments below.