The Bachelorette by the Numbers, Season Finale

Illustration for article titled emThe Bachelorette/em by the Numbers, Season Finale

Ugh. Well. Here we are. I guess we accomplished something, right? Like, if you ran an entire marathon on a treadmill, you’d still get some sort of medal. Or a plaque that says, “Congratulations! Unclear why you did that but you’re one of few people who could waste that much time doing it!” That’d be kind of nice to have, I think. Better than a journal of thoughts and emotions and feelings and tears…

Speaking of… I have something to say.

Once upon a time,

Twas a princess who loved to rhyme.

She was super duper pretty,

But her self-esteem was shitty,

And her heart could turn on a dime.

One day she met a man

Who was as boring as he was tan…

They were equals in every way,

And together they will stay,

Because dear-lord-almighty they are the most blan(d).

Thank god you found each other.

2: Potential suitors?

3: Suitors that would’ve made it potentially a much better episode.

4: Seconds before you start crying if Chris Harrison stares at you hard enough.

1: Recourse CH is prepared for if the staring doesn’t work = “I’m ok, Chris.” “You’re not.”


1: Number of tissues per episode allotted by the show’s budget. Shit outta luck there, Des.

2: Beautiful men left to pick you up from the bathroom floor. So shush.

700: Times the two Chris’s have refrained from making a joke along the lines of “Hey, that’s my name too!” We thank you wholeheartedly.

4: “M”’s in “mmmm” upon seeing Drew come out of the car sans tie.

1: Misdirect by Chris Harrison = “Brooks is not with us.” And now Des will tell you how he died.


7: People who rejected that rug from the flea market before Des picked it for the rose ceremony.

4: Words to say when offering a rose to exude unaffected confidence = “Please. Let me know.” Because I’d rather know now if I’ll be hanging myself.


6: Members in the audience polled on the desired outcome of the season.

6: Members in the audience whose occupation of valuable screen time was NOT APPRECIATED.


1: Guy who took it too far insulting Brooks. Grammar, Chris? Why ya gotta go there, bro?

5: Minimum times they’ve zoomed in on Des’ bod this season. Something tells me they’re grossly misunderstanding who their audience is.


1: Thing every guy wants to hear the girl they love say about them, “I want to see if I can love him the way I love Brooks.”

1: “Iota” of hesitation or doubt that Drew avoids having by knowing nothing of the above.


3: Possible places a Drew can hang at any given time, per his conversation with Des. 1) “By the pool” 2) “Beach” 3) “In my room”

1: Bit of riffin’ from our #1 poet = “I couldn’t even focus on this amazing view because I’m figuring out what I need to say to Drew.”


30: Decibels too loud the ocean was for us to hear the sound of Drew’s heartbreak button being pushed.

2: Minutes I spent thinking Drew was just handling getting dumped really maturely.


30: Seconds later that I realized his internal emotion app was just malfunctioning.

1: Secret revealed as Drew smoothed out his hair on the long walk home = He just cries from his scalp. Duh.


0: Pressure on Chris “This is the Last Chance for Me” Siegfried after Des gives Drew the boot.

More like -30: On the pressure scale. Really. It’s just…”To be honest, I would love for today to be perfect.”


1: “Smooth sailing” pun. Couldn’t let that one float away, huh?

WAIT: This boat is called “Wadadli Cats.” Is anyone else seeing this. This is something that happened. I really think you’re taking it too lightly. What if they named their child that.


1: Fucked first born.

35 million: Other toasts on this show that should’ve ended with “Toasting may not be my forte…”


1: Key question you must ask yourself before deciding to spend the rest of your life with someone. Is it easy to be like “oh hey”???

Unseen: Guns presumably held at Desiree’s head as she says she wants Chris to meet her family.


“NO”: What you need to start telling yourselves when the urge to write “poems” washes over you.

1: Time it’s really easy to believe someone who says, “I just feel so lucky” = When they WON’T. STOP. CRYING.


100: Milligrams of Prozac prescribed by the resident medical professional after hearing “I’ve never felt like anyone has loved me as much as I loved them. I think that’s why it’s hard to feel so loved.”

2: People I’m ok talking to in this audience. Hi Seantherine!

1: Bottle of Bed Head Holding Gel shared between them tonight, it seems.

1: Gal with her priorities straight = “They look good together so I think the make a great couple!” – Jackie


4: Fear-induced octaves my scream went up when Lindsay suddenly reappeared in my life.

100: Percent Lindsay will support Desiree before returning to her MENSA meeting.

3: Words that have me really concerned here, Desiree. “Is he the one you want to spend the rest of your life with?” “Yeah...At this moment…Yes.”


101: How excited Chris is to propose.

102: How excited Des is for Brooks to come back and totally surprise her by proposing.


50: More milligrams prescribed after hearing Des say, “It’s hard for me to accept how much Chris loves me.”

96.3: Percent of the last two episodes Des has spent wiping her eyes really carefully.


1: Girl who could lobby for this place to be renamed: “Antigwahhhh”

And 1: Girl who could retire from writing after THAT gem.

A few: Things Chris could’ve been talking about when he said, “I wanna be your first and I wanna be your last.”


2: Words you can’t just switch and still be speaking English. “It pains me to say this” does not pave the way for “It joys me to say this.”

4ish: Final minutes that were like maybe a little sorta mayhaps cute.

2: Times CH thought he could say, “How good was that?” and people would think it. Instead of the truth.


2: Dueling Desirees visibly sparring inside this woman’s body when Brooks took the stage.

60: Percent more satisfying it is for Des to tell Brooks she got engaged than anyone else in the whole wide world.


20: Approximate yards from Fantasy Suite Station to “Breakup Town,” per Drew.

1: Thing I really wished they’d renamed the epilogue to = “After the Final Poem.” NO MORE. KEEP YOUR PRETTY, BORING POEMS INSIDE YOUR PRETTY, BORING HEADS… But, of course, mazel tov.


1: New dia, courtesy of Senor Juan Pablo. Can I get an “AMEN?!”

5: Months until next season. You’ll get through it, muchachas.


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The fact that Chris has said he won't be watching any scenes that don't involve him and also pretty fucking concerning. "We initially talked about watching the episodes and how we would handle that for our relationship going forward and we kind of just decided that maybe it would be best to watch the segments that we just shared together." What a great idea! Avoid the elephant in the room! There is no elephant! What elephant! Stop looking at the elephant!…