Ugh. Well. Here we are. I guess we accomplished something, right? Like, if you ran an entire marathon on a treadmill, you’d still get some sort of medal. Or a plaque that says, “Congratulations! Unclear why you did that but you’re one of few people who could waste that much time doing it!” That’d be kind of nice to have, I think. Better than a journal of thoughts and emotions and feelings and tears…
Speaking of… I have something to say.
Once upon a time,
Twas a princess who loved to rhyme.
She was super duper pretty,
But her self-esteem was shitty,
And her heart could turn on a dime.
One day she met a man
Who was as boring as he was tan…
They were equals in every way,
And together they will stay,
Because dear-lord-almighty they are the most blan(d).
Thank god you found each other.
2: Potential suitors?
3: Suitors that would’ve made it potentially a much better episode.
4: Seconds before you start crying if Chris Harrison stares at you hard enough.
1: Recourse CH is prepared for if the staring doesn’t work = “I’m ok, Chris.” “You’re not.”
1: Number of tissues per episode allotted by the show’s budget. Shit outta luck there, Des.
2: Beautiful men left to pick you up from the bathroom floor. So shush.
700: Times the two Chris’s have refrained from making a joke along the lines of “Hey, that’s my name too!” We thank you wholeheartedly.
4: “M”’s in “mmmm” upon seeing Drew come out of the car sans tie.
1: Misdirect by Chris Harrison = “Brooks is not with us.” And now Des will tell you how he died.
7: People who rejected that rug from the flea market before Des picked it for the rose ceremony.
4: Words to say when offering a rose to exude unaffected confidence = “Please. Let me know.” Because I’d rather know now if I’ll be hanging myself.
6: Members in the audience polled on the desired outcome of the season.
6: Members in the audience whose occupation of valuable screen time was NOT APPRECIATED.
1: Guy who took it too far insulting Brooks. Grammar, Chris? Why ya gotta go there, bro?
5: Minimum times they’ve zoomed in on Des’ bod this season. Something tells me they’re grossly misunderstanding who their audience is.
1: Thing every guy wants to hear the girl they love say about them, “I want to see if I can love him the way I love Brooks.”
1: “Iota” of hesitation or doubt that Drew avoids having by knowing nothing of the above.
3: Possible places a Drew can hang at any given time, per his conversation with Des. 1) “By the pool” 2) “Beach” 3) “In my room”
1: Bit of riffin’ from our #1 poet = “I couldn’t even focus on this amazing view because I’m figuring out what I need to say to Drew.”
30: Decibels too loud the ocean was for us to hear the sound of Drew’s heartbreak button being pushed.
2: Minutes I spent thinking Drew was just handling getting dumped really maturely.
30: Seconds later that I realized his internal emotion app was just malfunctioning.
1: Secret revealed as Drew smoothed out his hair on the long walk home = He just cries from his scalp. Duh.
0: Pressure on Chris “This is the Last Chance for Me” Siegfried after Des gives Drew the boot.
More like -30: On the pressure scale. Really. It’s just…”To be honest, I would love for today to be perfect.”
1: “Smooth sailing” pun. Couldn’t let that one float away, huh?
WAIT: This boat is called “Wadadli Cats.” Is anyone else seeing this. This is something that happened. I really think you’re taking it too lightly. What if they named their child that.
1: Fucked first born.
35 million: Other toasts on this show that should’ve ended with “Toasting may not be my forte…”
1: Key question you must ask yourself before deciding to spend the rest of your life with someone. Is it easy to be like “oh hey”???
Unseen: Guns presumably held at Desiree’s head as she says she wants Chris to meet her family.
“NO”: What you need to start telling yourselves when the urge to write “poems” washes over you.
1: Time it’s really easy to believe someone who says, “I just feel so lucky” = When they WON’T. STOP. CRYING.
100: Milligrams of Prozac prescribed by the resident medical professional after hearing “I’ve never felt like anyone has loved me as much as I loved them. I think that’s why it’s hard to feel so loved.”
2: People I’m ok talking to in this audience. Hi Seantherine!
1: Bottle of Bed Head Holding Gel shared between them tonight, it seems.
1: Gal with her priorities straight = “They look good together so I think the make a great couple!” – Jackie
4: Fear-induced octaves my scream went up when Lindsay suddenly reappeared in my life.
100: Percent Lindsay will support Desiree before returning to her MENSA meeting.
3: Words that have me really concerned here, Desiree. “Is he the one you want to spend the rest of your life with?” “Yeah...At this moment…Yes.”
101: How excited Chris is to propose.
102: How excited Des is for Brooks to come back and totally surprise her by proposing.
50: More milligrams prescribed after hearing Des say, “It’s hard for me to accept how much Chris loves me.”
96.3: Percent of the last two episodes Des has spent wiping her eyes really carefully.
1: Girl who could lobby for this place to be renamed: “Antigwahhhh”
And 1: Girl who could retire from writing after THAT gem.
A few: Things Chris could’ve been talking about when he said, “I wanna be your first and I wanna be your last.”
2: Words you can’t just switch and still be speaking English. “It pains me to say this” does not pave the way for “It joys me to say this.”
4ish: Final minutes that were like maybe a little sorta mayhaps cute.
2: Times CH thought he could say, “How good was that?” and people would think it. Instead of the truth.
2: Dueling Desirees visibly sparring inside this woman’s body when Brooks took the stage.
60: Percent more satisfying it is for Des to tell Brooks she got engaged than anyone else in the whole wide world.
20: Approximate yards from Fantasy Suite Station to “Breakup Town,” per Drew.
1: Thing I really wished they’d renamed the epilogue to = “After the Final Poem.” NO MORE. KEEP YOUR PRETTY, BORING POEMS INSIDE YOUR PRETTY, BORING HEADS… But, of course, mazel tov.
1: New dia, courtesy of Senor Juan Pablo. Can I get an “AMEN?!”
5: Months until next season. You’ll get through it, muchachas.