The Bachelorette by the Numbers, Episode 8

Well, well, well. Look who finally showed up to entertain us. And as long as we don’t compare this to any other season, I gotta say: this shit just got interesting. At the very least, it’s become marginally animated. Enough so that my roommate asked me why I was smiling as I watched (a smile laced with so much less malice than normal). What a question; why, indeed.

Was it the whole Drew-being-the-most-perfect-boy-ever thing? (I’m not saying he should win. I’m just saying he already won at life. Aside from the whole tragic upbringing and terrible family situation, duh.)

Maybe it was the fact that, despite the impulses that surely overwhelmed them, Chris and Desiree did not write a poem together at all this episode? (I bow down in gratitude to the lord of the pen.)

I suppose it’s a mystery….

But it’s also two weeks til Fantasy Suites so clearly it’s just about that and none of the other stuff we previously considered.

Now, numbers.

4: Potential suitors.

4: Of the whitest hometowns we could’ve asked for.

1: Suitor raised by “wolves and squirrels.” Apparently, if you cross-breed the two, you get a chipmunk dressed as a penguin.

A million years: Time agreed upon by Zak and I to complete the following statement: “I never would’ve thought in ______ that Zak would be in the final four.”

3: Bowls Zak smoked before describing the ice-crystals-in-a-cup dream.

4: Words you wanna hear when you’re as high as Zak was = “Family snow cone business.”

1: Alternative song pitch = “Where’d he get his lunacy from? He got it from his mama.”

¾: Fraction of the table the party of five decided to take up.

At least 3: Times Zak was “completely naked” this season. Where are the unrated versions of these shows?

4: Bottles of wine Zak’s mom, Maryann, consumed before this meal.

1: Time I’ve seen Zak be this normal (when he’s with his mother) all season. Why isn’t this your thing instead??

2: Contestants on tonight’s episode of American Idol: Dallas.

2: Places the words of this song may have hit you. For those like Des, the heart. For those that are functional human beings, the vomit button.

1: Way to achieve nuanced symbolism = Give her a ring to symbolize how you want to give her a ring.

2: People who texted me during the Melissa scene to confess they were crying.

1: Of whom was my mother.

3: Magical words Drew’s waited to say to Des “in that order.” “You, I love,” sayeth the man to the lady poet.

EXTREMELY: How worried I was that Drew’s dad was using a “believe in angels” pick-up line.

2: Very nice things to tell someone = “I love you and thank you.” Especially if you’re really, really hot and super-duper perfect.

1: Town in Oregon that was named by Dr. Seuss = Mcminnville. Where the mcminns dwell.

1: Moves Des stole from Zak to use on Chris. Nice drawing, playagurl.

4: More toasts that Chris’s dad can deliver per minute than Des. “Here’s to the ones that I love, here’s to the ones that love me, here’s to the ones who love those that I love, and to those who love those who love me.” Here’s to toasts.

1: Sex Offender watch list I have to assume Chris’s dad has graced at one time or another.

300 million: Tabs of Prozac I have to assume Chris’s mom ingested before getting her most recent botox treatment. The face. The emotions. It’s like I see tears and I hear words and yet nothing moves.

1: Terrible stereotype Des embodies when she falls deepest for the only boy who doesn’t love her back.

1: Severe understatement used by Des to explain why Brooks can’t fall in love = “I am dating other guys.”

4: Men who hug Desiree at once in the family. Always a good sign.

2: Things those nametags should’ve said = Your name and how many sister-wives you have.

0: Opinions Brooks values more than his mother’s.

0: Siblings his mother likes more than him.

2: Unions Brooks can see happening with Des: 1) “The union of marriage.” 2) The union of their naughty bits in The Fantasy Suite.

GAH: The brother.

1: Time per TV season that Des can see her family members or else they explode.

MEEP: Why is her brother such a serial killer?

2: Ways to say it = “Ifs, ands, or buts.” OR “Ands, ifs, or buts!” Who knew!

1: Truly annunciated O in “poh-tential.”

2: Super bold guys, you guys.

2: Times Des says she “loves” Brooks this episode. WHY IS NO ONE MAKING A BIGGER DEAL ABOUT THIS.

30: Times you’d have to multiply normal-cheek-size by to get the circumference of Zak’s cheeks when he puffs them out. If one got bigger than the other, I’m fairly positive that he would topple.

1: New string section in the Bachelorette soundtrack upon Zak’s exit. Boohoo, says no one.

1: Potential play at the spot of the next Bachelor, made by one Mr. “Lonely Life” Zak. Don’t you dare, ABC. Those cheeks aren’t meant for multiple weeks.*