The Bachelorette by the Numbers, Episode 8

A million years: Time agreed upon by Zak and I to complete the following statement: “I never would’ve thought in ______ that Zak would be in the final four.”

3: Bowls Zak smoked before describing the ice-crystals-in-a-cup dream.

4: Words you wanna hear when you’re as high as Zak was = “Family snow cone business.”

1: Alternative song pitch = “Where’d he get his lunacy from? He got it from his mama.”

¾: Fraction of the table the party of five decided to take up.

At least 3: Times Zak was “completely naked” this season. Where are the unrated versions of these shows?

4: Bottles of wine Zak’s mom, Maryann, consumed before this meal.

1: Time I’ve seen Zak be this normal (when he’s with his mother) all season. Why isn’t this your thing instead??

2: Contestants on tonight’s episode of American Idol: Dallas.

2: Places the words of this song may have hit you. For those like Des, the heart. For those that are functional human beings, the vomit button.

1: Way to achieve nuanced symbolism = Give her a ring to symbolize how you want to give her a ring.

2: People who texted me during the Melissa scene to confess they were crying.

1: Of whom was my mother.

3: Magical words Drew’s waited to say to Des “in that order.” “You, I love,” sayeth the man to the lady poet.

EXTREMELY: How worried I was that Drew’s dad was using a “believe in angels” pick-up line.

2: Very nice things to tell someone = “I love you and thank you.” Especially if you’re really, really hot and super-duper perfect.

1: Town in Oregon that was named by Dr. Seuss = Mcminnville. Where the mcminns dwell.

1: Moves Des stole from Zak to use on Chris. Nice drawing, playagurl.

4: More toasts that Chris’s dad can deliver per minute than Des. “Here’s to the ones that I love, here’s to the ones that love me, here’s to the ones who love those that I love, and to those who love those who love me.” Here’s to toasts.

1: Sex Offender watch list I have to assume Chris’s dad has graced at one time or another.

300 million: Tabs of Prozac I have to assume Chris’s mom ingested before getting her most recent botox treatment. The face. The emotions. It’s like I see tears and I hear words and yet nothing moves.

1: Terrible stereotype Des embodies when she falls deepest for the only boy who doesn’t love her back.

1: Severe understatement used by Des to explain why Brooks can’t fall in love = “I am dating other guys.”

4: Men who hug Desiree at once in the family. Always a good sign.

2: Things those nametags should’ve said = Your name and how many sister-wives you have.

0: Opinions Brooks values more than his mother’s.

0: Siblings his mother likes more than him.

2: Unions Brooks can see happening with Des: 1) “The union of marriage.” 2) The union of their naughty bits in The Fantasy Suite.

GAH: The brother.

1: Time per TV season that Des can see her family members or else they explode.

MEEP: Why is her brother such a serial killer?

2: Ways to say it = “Ifs, ands, or buts.” OR “Ands, ifs, or buts!” Who knew!

1: Truly annunciated O in “poh-tential.”

2: Super bold guys, you guys.

2: Times Des says she “loves” Brooks this episode. WHY IS NO ONE MAKING A BIGGER DEAL ABOUT THIS.

30: Times you’d have to multiply normal-cheek-size by to get the circumference of Zak’s cheeks when he puffs them out. If one got bigger than the other, I’m fairly positive that he would topple.

1: New string section in the Bachelorette soundtrack upon Zak’s exit. Boohoo, says no one.

1: Potential play at the spot of the next Bachelor, made by one Mr. “Lonely Life” Zak. Don’t you dare, ABC. Those cheeks aren’t meant for multiple weeks.*

3: MORE TO GO. Keep fighting the good fight, people.

*Poetry. It rubs off.

Image via ABC.