The Bachelorette by the Numbers, Episode 7

5: Potential suitors

1: Topography lesson. Guys, did you know this place was called “Madeira?”

3: Guests that never showed up the last time I casually “invited some girlfriends” over. Lesley M, I swear we’re meant to BeFF.

1: Really super-duper helpful bit of guidance from Sean, via Catherine = “Give Des good advice.”

2: Noculars in binoculars.

5: Words I’ve been waiting to hear said aloud for oh-so long, in response to “Did you kiss a lot of people?” = “You kind of have to.”

1 in 4: Bachelor contestants who turned out to be such a Samantha. Look at my bleeping-baby Jackie!

Every single one: Number of sentences Brooks ends with a question mark?

4: Syllables in the name “William Shakespeare.” Ex: “Falling in love with Desiree would be awesome.” – Brooks

2: Cloud metaphors applicable to this date. “Cloud 9” + “I’m definitely in the clouds trying to figure out how I feel.”

45: Seconds Brooks saves per day thanks to his not needing to “think when I’m gonna put my hand on your leg in the car.”

10: Amount of times you should picture the best dream you’ve ever had before living it. But I’ve seen Chris Harrison on screen for 11 years. Flawed logic.

4-5: Possible stages between “like” and “love” = Stepping, skipping, running, finish-line, with some controversy over the inclusion of “jogging.” And whether finish-line is really an in-between thing….

1: Guest you certainly want at your next charades-only party. Nice firework, Des! Lifelike!

3: Repetitions of “really” (re: excitement) that don’t really convey an emotion other than Chris’s default, peacefully-asleep-with-my-eyes-open.

1: Thing you never want to hear your husband say when describing the day he fell in love with you = “Chillin boat-style drinkin’ some vino.” Ughhhhhhhhh.

0: Idea where this supposed “pretty legit…real…hot” passion is between Chris and Des. It’s like having passion for a potato.

Only 2: People for whom the act of Des and Chris writing poetry together is “not awkward and fun.”

0: Rhymes in this poem. Does it even count if you don’t attempt such fine pairings as “much” and “rush”?

500: Miles I’d walk to find that goddamn bottle.

45: Minimum number of toasts Des has proposed this season. And yet… “A toast to you and being such a supportive and wonderful man and I feel like I know you and it’s growing and it’s good and I feel comfortable and I really enjoy your boyish qualities and the charm and here’s to a wonderful date and an even better dinner.” Wow. How do you not have these down?

1: Man Des says she ever brought home to her parents, her high school boyfriend.

1: Nationally televised episode of The Bachelor that Big-Fat-Liar Des seems to have casually forgotten.

5: Adjectives Des employs to tell us all that she’ll never be in love with Michael = “Loyal…trustworthy…sweetest…protective…has my back.”

1: Case in point = Michael: “I had a great time.” Des: “That’s nice!”

753474: Known tombstones in the world that read, “World’s Greatest Prosecutor.” It’s been done, Michael.

3 out of 4: Explicit-metaphor dates this week. Come on, ABC. You couldn’t find one “fish in the sea” line?!

1: Much-needed reminder that this show is somewhat flawed in its logic = “I feel like I’m sitting with two guy friends. But I’m also romantically involved…?”

3: Really fugly drawings, Zak. You keep those to yourself.

10 to 1: Ratio of attractiveness to sucky-life-ness that describes Drew.

A million: Degrees of normalcy in Zak and Drew kissing each of Des’s cheeks. …Though, to be fair, they basically just made out with each other by only one degree of Kevin Bacon.

100: Minutes spent waiting for Chris Harrison this episode. NEVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN.

5: Adjectives to describe both Chris and Des = “Witty, sarcastic, creative, imaginative, serious.”

5: New adjectives that both Chris and Des have learned this week, thanks to their “Descriptive Word of the Day” calendars.

2: Guys who tell you they’re in love with you.

1: Guy who tells you he’s jogging. And yet this is who we tear up about.

20: Seconds my heart stopped when Des said she “hit the finish line” with Brooks.

A thousand: Curses lodged to the heavens when she also said she was falling in love with Chris.

2: Parts of Des that are too “open” for this to be over yet. Two weeks til Fantasy Suites.

0: Less-shocking rose ceremonies than the one in which our heroine keeps the two guys she’s in love with, the “most attractive guy I’ve ever met,” and…Okay, so I guess Zak also could have gone home.

4: Possible answers to Michael’s confusion as to “why this keeps happening” =

1) “…It would’ve made my mom’s life.”

2) “Hi, mom.”

3) “Here we go again.” – Mom

4) Diabetes

…Also, FYI, Madeira is a part of Portugal just off the coast of North Africa. It’s beautiful but somewhat mundane, as are its temporary inhabitants.