The Art Of Dealing With Other People's Kids
LatestDealing with grownups is hard enough, but interacting with the younger set is a minefield all its own. Herewith, a guide to the strange beasts that are Other People’s Children.
A reader recently asked, “How the eff are you supposed to talk to kids?” How indeed? For people who don’t have kids of their own, being friendly toward other people’s can be a tough balancing act — you don’t want to condescend to them, but you might not talk to them exactly the way you talk to your friends, either. And even if you do have kids, what do you do when other people’s offspring step out of line? Luckily, we have tips for both situations.
Treat kids like people.
This sounds simple, but it can be tough to keep in mind — though you probably shouldn’t ask kids about, say, their favorite porn, you don’t have go all baby-talk on them, either. Writer and mom Helaine Olen told me her strategy for interacting with kids:
I always try to talk to them […] like they’re just regular people. I never dumb down my vocabulary for children at all, which I think is a really key thing, because children will always ask you if they don’t understand something. They don’t have our inhibitions about looking stupid.
Just treating a kid the way you’d treat any new person can eliminate some anxieties about not being “good with kids” — you’re really just trying to have a conversation. So what do you talk to kids about?
Find out their interests.
Michelle Borba, parenting expert and author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions, suggests that if you know you’ll be hanging out with kids, you may want to find out a little bit about what they’re into ahead of time. That could mean asking their parents about what sports or hobbies they’re involved in, or finding out a little about their school. Then, says Borba, ask questions, and “throw it over to the kid to draw them out.” Melanie Edwards of ModernMami advocates a similar approach:
I think the best thing anyone can do is listen to children. Many times, kids spark up conversation on their own without being prompted. In such a situation, just listen to what they have to say, ask questions if something they say doesn’t make sense to you, and respond to their thoughts. One of the best ways to engage kids and create a conversation is to ask them about any toys they might be playing with or shows they might watch. Those usually lead to other conversation topics.
Borba adds that with younger children, if all else fails,
Be a sportscaster. It’s really a simple technique, and the only thing you do is talk about what the child is doing: ‘Oh, you’re picking up your Barbie.’ ‘Oh, you’re putting that blue block on top of the red one.” […] Believe it or not, it’s the easiest level to begin a conversation, and what happens is the child begins to feel like you’re interested.
Get on the kid’s level.
Literally. Kids are just regular people, but they’re also short people, so adjust accordingly. Says Dr. Carmen Vazquez, clinical psychologist and author of Parenting with Pride Latino Style,
It’s always important, if you can, to get to the level of the child, so that you’re not a giant and the kid is all the way down there. Maintain eye contact by lowering yourself into a chair, or just bend down.
Vazquez also advocates not talking too loud or too fast — you may also want to avoid touching the child, “because some children may be uncomfortable or may have been told not to allow other people to touch them.”
Ask the right questions.
Just like with adults you’ve just met, you don’t want to overstep boundaries by asking kids overly personal questions. With older kids, says Dr. Vazquez,