The Academy Should Find a Bunker to Hide in If Parasite Doesn't Win Best Picture

Do you hear the rumbling underfoot? That’s the sound of a thousand stylists in chunky sneakers rushing around to various showrooms in Los Angeles, yelling on the phone and battling for supremacy on the awards circuit red carpet deathmatch tournament, which climaxes in two weeks at the 92nd Annual Academy Awards. Luckily, Jezebel is here to explain all the movies in Oscar contention.

I have never lived in a home with a bunker. However, most of the Academy is pretty fucking rich, and live in homes big enough to house a bunker somewhere in their palatial depths. If you are a member of the Academy without a bunker, I suggest you rush-order a panic room. Why? Well, I suspect you’ll need somewhere to hide in the extremely low chance that anything other than Parasite wins Best Picture—like 1917!


Producer: Lisa Fischer, Senior Producer: Jennifer Perry, Editor: Olivia Akien

Gossip Reporter. Creator and host of Eating For Free, the podcast at the end of the internet.



Based on the still alone I knew this was going to be the one film Joan didn’t shit all over.

These reviews are a mess. If the goal is to be fun and sassy, go for it! But please do so in a clever way that actually looks at the source material. Instead, these reviews have felt like a series of Hot Takes from someone who watched one film (Parasite) and then watched the trailers and read Twitter takes for the rest.