If you suffer from extreme arterial crispiness, a fat-sodden liver, and a heart that looks like a rib-eye, then it's probably time to start getting high. Like, all the time. But hey, don't take my word for it — take science's.
According to the Telegraph, researchers at the U.K.'s GW Pharmaceuticals have discovered two compounds in cannabis leaves (not the part that you may or may not be smoking right this very moment) that increase the amount of energy the body burns, even if that particular body is preoccupied with a completely sedentary appraisal of The Neverending Story. Thus far, the lucky animals to be tested with these compounds have shown that they (the compounds, though probably also the animals if they're especially calming) can help treat type two diabetes while also reducing levels of cholesterol in the blood stream and fat in really important, irreplaceable organs like the liver. In science, the technical term for this is a "double whammy."
Researchers are now conducting clinical trials in 200 patients, with the aim of creating a drug that can treat people suffering from "metabolic syndrome," in which diabetes, high blood pressure, and obesity combine to form the perfect storm of heart disease and stroke. "Humans have been using these plants for thousands of years," explained GW Pharmaceuticals research director Dr. Steph Wright, "so we have quite a lot of experience of the chemicals in the plants." Though cannabis is illegal, GW Pharmaceuticals, being some sort of enormous multinational drug corporation equipped with all the magic passwords for dodging government regulations, has obtained a license to grow some mellow bud in a secret facility in southern England.
The company is also developing cannabis-based drugs to treat multiple sclerosis and epilepsy. It has found, moreover, that the cannabis compounds THCV and cannabidiol, long thought to be the culprits for the relentless snacking condition known colloquially as "the munchies," also have an appetite suppressing effect. Tests in mice also revealed a boost in metabolism (which explains why mice get so ravenously hungry for Funyons whenever they get high), which subsequently lead to lower levels of liver fat and cholesterol. GW Pharma is probably hard at work developing a drug that specifically targets all sorts of different ailments, and while we'd never urge you to self-medicate, this latest report makes it seem like self-medicating is pretty much a win-win. Unless you want to die of a heart attack or have a massive stroke, then, by all means, please remain as square and suffer as many coronaries as you want.