Thanksgiving Is Making Everyone Dirty And Gross

Thanksgiving weekend is supposed to be a time of delicious food and family camaraderie. Apparently, it’s also when people go around looking like unwashed slobs.

At least, that’s what the week’s press releases are telling us. Emerald Nuts informs us that “in order to be the first in line for a great deal,” 43% of Black Friday shoppers will forgo shaving or makeup. Thirty-six percent will neglect to shower. The nut company has apparently compiled this data because it would like shoppers to save time by eating its Breakfast on the go! packs, which can hopefully be consumed in the shower.

According to another release, this one from LiveStrong, 87% of women apply less makeup over Thanksgiving than at other times. And yet, shockingly, sex is more popular than cleaning, watching movies, or shopping as a holiday activity. Someone is having sex with an un-made-up woman? And moreover, who are these people who prefer sex to giving the floor a good scrub? Probably the same gross slatterns who are skipping showers in order to score Black Friday deals. Get it together, people. Eat some nuts or something.