Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

Thank Frickin God: Jeb Bush Released His Guacamole Recipe

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Hello, this is a shock and an honor: we have finally secured the recipe to Sr. Heb Boosh’s famous guacamole, the very same guacamole that sits inside this $75 Guaca Bowle for sale on his campaign website.

In a recent interview with NPR, Jeb revealed a broad outline of this guacamole recipe we have heard so much about, leaving out some specifics to keep it “secret squirrel enough.” (I don’t know what that means.)

Avocados “Make sure they’re not too ripe, but they gotta be ripe enough.”



Jalapeño “rather than chile serrano”

Garlic “not too much”


No lemon and no tomatoes.

And don’t go making this in a bowl. “You gotta use amolcajete,” Bush said.

F yeah, you gotta!

Bush left some ingredients out, obviously, because of the secret squirrels, but I thiiiink I’ve watched enough Top Chef to fill in the blanks here, you guys! In order to make your guacamole taste exactly like Jeb’s guacamole, you’ll probably need to add the following:

  • 1 cup of shredded $100 bills
  • 6 dozen sidelong glances of pain
  • 1/2 teaspoon of upper lip sweat
  • A pinch of regret
  • 5 cups of visible discomfort, finely chopped
  • 4 tablespoons of hair ripped out in the middle of the night while dreaming of a lost legacy
  • Salt to taste

Muy good!

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Images via AP, Shutterstock.