What a wild week, huh? Lots of news. Lots of it. My favorite story of the last few days, perhaps unsurprisingly, has nothing to do with the state of our country. It’s dogs! Specifically, the news that the inventor of the labradoodle (the Lab-poodle hybrid) told ABC podcast Sum Of All Parts that his greatest regret in life was creating the hypoallergenic dog that begat a trend of genetically-altered designer dogs. “I opened a Pandora’s box and released a Frankenstein’s monster,” he said, presumably without irony. While his regret was based on the ethics of greedy puppy breeders using his invention for financial gain, his phrasing still struck me as funny; I laughed, the rest of Jezebel laughed, I’m sure some labradoodle owners laughed, too. But most importantly, it invoked the idea of our own regrets. What’s the most innocuous regret you hold? The sillier the better, I’d say.
Drop those below, but first—let’s go through your best back-to-school transformation stories from last week. Y’all really did it.
awkwardturtle, I’m glad it worked out for you! Genuinely:
I was bullied mercilessly in middle school. Rocks were thrown at me, I got called “she-man” because I was so tall, and at one point was left in the middle of the dance floor alone because asking me to dance was a dare (I still hate K C and JoJo’s “All My Life” because of this). I was very depressed and lonely.
So when I was prepping to go off to a boarding high school, I spent my “new clothes” allowance on chopping my hair off and dying it fire engine red. I was determined to not be my old, loser, sad, self, and I threw myself into making new friends and being the best me. I was loud and sarcastic and wore knee socks and was just my weird self. Within one week I had new friends (who are still my friends 18 years later) and a boyfriend. High school ended up being the best experience of my life!
Biturbowagon, the best transformation of all is when you learn to no longer give a shit. That is the truth:
I was one of the out people. Many people tried to bully me. I wouldn’t put up with that, and I was big enough to repulse physical attacks, but it was still a number of lonely, unpleasant, and alienated years.
Over the course of several years, I developed interests outside of my school. But it was summer camp that made a huge difference. There, I was POPULAR. I was genuinely liked for who I am. I made important friendships. Girls liked me, and competed for my attention. I was the center of attention, in a good way. It opened my eyes to what was out there in the outside world.
I went back to school no longer giving any fuck at all. I did my time, as any inmate would, but I now knew there was a world outside of school. All the petty bullshit? I ignored it. I made new friends in other grades, as well as in other schools. I couldn’t be bothered to go to any school-related social activities, until I decided to go to my senior prom. My date was a girl from another high school. You should have seen the jaws drop when (a) I appeared, (b) I outdressed almost everyone else, and (c) with her on my arm. He has a social life? He’s with her? He looks that sharp? Many minds were blown.
One of the happiest days of my life was graduation: because I knew that I would never have to go back to that school.
Reunions? Ha! They conflict with an annual event that I gladly attend in its stead. One nice former classmate tried to persuade me to attend one of the big ones. I demurred. He later reported all the petty dreck that went down at it. I’m so glad that I didn’t waste my time or money.
Mortal Dictata, this is relatable, I must say:
In Year 9 I became a complete rebel, sticking it to the man who wouldn’t tell me what to do. No matter what the repercussions I was going to be who I wanted to be, so I broke the biggest rule of them all.
That’s right, I let my hair grow slightly over the collar... and then I caved immediately and got it cut.
Smash the system Comrades!
noxious leftovers, all hail BOOBS, amiright?
8th grade graduation: 100 lb soaking wet, braces, greasy hair, no tits
first day of 9th grade: 110 lb, braces, greasy hair, TITS
I went from a small school of 500 kids to a high school with 5,000 kids, and I walked in on the first day with fucking trip Ds that were out of control under my faux-goth Target graphic tees. I somehow (tits) managed to convince people I was cool for a solid two months when the popular (aka Senior aka way too old holy shit those pervs) guy realized I wouldn’t let them touch my tits because I was secretly (even to myself) queer and I hung with a great group of nerds for the rest of high school. but for that short time, I was a god.
Kender Again, this is a good con. A long con. I respect your game:
I changed my name. Showed up to university orientation and just introduced myself with a different name. It was not a flawless system. Having two names inevitably leads to confusion. But it was worth it! Ten years later, I executed the deed poll this week (and also added the shared surname my partner and I both adopted when we got married). I’m now legally [Original First Name] [New Name] [Shared Surname]-[Original Surname], and so my go-to lie all these years “oh I mostly go by my middle name” is finally true.
goingawaytospain, I didn’t ask for the worst back-to-school transformation stories, now did I?
Let’s see...summer after 7th grade I went on weight watchers with my mom. I lost 11lbs, which was almost enough to not be considered disgusting by boys. I even briefly caught the eye of Lance, a total hottie, until I cleared my throat in class one day and he thought I farted.
I did secure my first kiss with a cool guy from another school behind the skating rink and even though he was my first, I knew he was terrible.
Anywhoo, my mom was nice enough to point out that boys liked me now because I lost that weight, so I’m taking that grudge to my grave. Yeah, no lasting damage there.
My silliest regrets are probably all drunk in nature so I won’t share them now, for fear of being inaccurate. However, you can lie to us in the comments below... that’s the beauty of the internet.