Tell Us About the Most Mortifying Thing You've Ever Done

Illustration for article titled Tell Us About the Most Mortifying Thing Youve Ever Done
Image: Photo by Fox Photos (Getty Images)

Nothing is scarier than doing something embarrassing and making a real ass of yourself, so this Halloween season, I want to hear all about the most mortifying thing you’ve ever done. (You seem to love stories of total humiliation, anyway, so let’s take this all the way!) Funny stories are preferable to the dark and depressing kind—it is an election year, after all, and frankly, I’ve had enough—but as always, feel free to address the prompt however you see fit.

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But before all that, it’s time to take a look at last week’s winners. These are your Halloween costume disasters.

Dave Haaz-Baroque, this is the best Pissing Contest entry in a while. I thank you:

When I was 9 years old, I decided that I wanted to be the alien queen from ‘Aliens’ (Don’t ask me how a nine-year-old managed to see aliens when it came out, I literally don’t remember the circumstances. Although I do remember that I distinctly had the goal of watching it out of spite, because I was so angry that it won the best special effects Academy Award over my favorite movie ‘Little Shop of Horrors’. I... I was a weird kid).

But I digress. I’m 9 years old and I want to dress as the alien queen from Aliens. you couldn’t exactly just go out and buy an alien queen costume, but I figure I’m a crafty little kid and I can make my own after school at latchkey with whatever supplies were lying around. Well, the supplies that were lying around were pretty much garbage bags, cardboard, construction paper and masking tape. Not to be deterred, I spent the three weeks before Halloween attempting to replicate the work of special effects master Stan Winston using children’s art supplies.

I did... well, not a good job, but I certainly made something. I was weirdly proud of myself for my costume, and was thrilled when it came time to do the elementary school costume parade on the playground.

Sadly, masking tape isn’t the most enduring of adhesive materials, and as we’re walking around the blacktop to ‘danse macabre’, the masking tape starts to give way and my costume begins to fall apart bit by bit, starting with the construction paper leg armor. I spent the entirety of the parade alternating between hopping on one foot and rushing off to the side trying to furiously retape and hold my costume together.

Fortunately, I have documented evidence of this 35-year-old costume masterpiece:

Illustration for article titled Tell Us About the Most Mortifying Thing Youve Ever Done
Screenshot: Dave Haaz-Baroque’s Jezebel Comment (Fair Use)
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goddessoftransitoryrisesagain, this sounds so uncomfortable!:

Not exactly a disaster, but one of those “unexpected side effects” things.

Husband is SUPER DUPER into Halloween. He loves decorating our apartment and assembling his costume (this year he’s going to be a wolfman.) I don’t usually go overboard, but a couple years ago he was a vampire, and I decided to be Lucy Westenra from Dracula. This was for work so there was going to be picture taking and everything.

I got REALLY into assembling my costume. Ordered everything from little black slippers to over the knee stockings to black velvet for a hairbow and a set of cheap-ass Victorian chokers. But the kicker was this fabulous full length old-timey nightgown, the kind people used to wear when there was no such thing as central heating.

Well, there’s a reason old timey nightgowns were a thing for so long; they do their damn job, extremely well. They aren’t just for cosplaying “governess fleeing an old mansion,” they retain heat. Alllll the heat your body generates is held and recirculated under this white muslin tent and within twenty minutes? You are boiling.

I kept it on just long enough for the photos and stripped off immediately—luckily I’d brought a change of clothes or I would have heat-stroked out right there at my keyboard.

chainsawpants, you rule:

Strapped for cash as a university student, I figured I nailed the economical-but-fun genre by deciding to go as a bag of leaves. It was seasonal and appropriate! I would be cute! The maples behind my residence provided the required foliage, garbage bags were around for the taking and I added newspaper for stuffing. I wore tights, turtleneck, and earthy makeup and I was done! The thing was, I created the costume by stepping into the garbage bag to make the holes and then filled the bag up and tied it around my neck. Three beers in and I realized I may have turned my self into a urostomy pouch. The first few visits to the bathroom I was careful enough but after more drinks I just didn’t care. The leaves and newspaper fell out, I had trouble not peeing on the bag (because I hover) and I couldn’t get myself back in properly. By the end of the night I was a girl with a torn garbage bag tied around her neck.

Still scored, though. (Love Hallowe’en!)

voucloc, you have to tell us who was the actor. YOU HAVE TO:

I was invited to accompany a friend to a party on October 3oth. This party was being hosted by a relatively famous actor. We dressed to the nines in roman army regalia... helmets, swords, metal skirts. Yup....You guessed it... we were the only ones in costume. It seems one ever stated this was a halloween party... it was a screening of his new movie at his place. Shiver.

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Albert Hosteen, I laughed:

My mom once had a great idea to dress my brother and I up as Dr. Evil and Mini Me, all of our neighbours were older and thought we were Cone Heads :(

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Drop those terror tales in the comments below.

It's facetious. Senior Writer, Jezebel. My debut book, LARGER THAN LIFE: A History of Boy Bands, is out now.

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DISCUSSION

Sooooooo many.

When I was a sophomore in high school I was out sick one day and my mom sent a sick note to school with me the next day. The principal called me down to his office, outraged. Mom had written a joke note saying I was out sick because I had the shits. Mom was a riot. We’d snickered over it for a while the night before. Then I’d grabbed the wrong note entirely. She had to call him to explain and apologize.

Years later I wrote a Very Literary Poem about fellatio for a long-distance lover and a copy of it somehow ended up in the quarterly report that I submitted to my boss and my boss’s boss.

Then there was the Airplane Fart. Picture it: We’re over the Pacific somewhere, somewhere between California and Honolulu; the plane is almost completely silent, everybody’s drowsy and dozy after lunch was served, but it’s daytime so everybody’s awake. And then nature calls, and my dumb ass has to answer the phone. I start to stand up, and then... I SWEAR TA GOD, y’all, it was the loudest, longest fart that anybody has ever farted ANYWHERE on this entire planet. I believe they heard it in First Class. Hell, I think they heard it in the COCKPIT. Maybe on the GROUND. I was morrrrrtified. And I was sitting by the bulkhead, near the lavatory, so... EVERYBODY knew, everybody saw. I did not spend the rest of the flight in the can. But I sure did WANT to.