There is no feminist subtext to Teen Witch. No class critique. Instead, this poor woman’s Sweet Sixteen spiked with witchcraft should be remembered for its inexplicable yet splendid song-and-dance sequences.
Louise Miller (played by Robyn Lively, Blake’s older sister) is a bookish outcast who’s skipped grades and can’t wait to grow up and be popular, like the cheerleaders who sing “We Like Boys” in the locker room. Her obsession with popular boy Brad verges on stalkerish obsession. He has all the hallmarks of an 80s teen heartthrob: boyish good looks, “captain of the football team since the sixth grade,” blonde girlfriend, cardboard-flat delivery. Further review of this movie reveals that Louise herself doesn’t have much of a personality either, except that she greedily wants to be popular and possess Brad. But don’t ask too many questions — it will detract from the scrunchies and the white boy rap.
That includes white boy rap about synonyms for penises. (Bonus: comprehensive sex ed!)
And even, once Louise gets her magical powers, white girl rap, in perhaps the movie’s most uncompromisedly empowering sequence:
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